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Again: if in the female sex
Alma should on this member fix
(A cruel and a desperate cafe,
From which Heaven shield my lovely lafs !);
For ever more all care is vain,
That would bring Alma down again.
As, in habitual gout or stone,
The only thing that can be done,
Is to correct your drink and diet,
And keep the inward foe in quiet ;
So, if for any fins of ours,
Or our forefathers, higher powers,
Severe, though just, afflict our life
With that prime ill, a talking wife ;
Till death shall bring the kind relief,
We must be patient, or be deaf.
You know a certain lady, Dick,
Who saw me when I last was fick:
She kindly talk’d, at least three hours,
Of plastic forms, and mental powers ;
Describ'd our pre-existing station
Before this vile terrene creation ;
And left I should be weary'd, madam,
To cut things short, came down to Adam ;
From whence, as fast as fhe was able,
She drowns the world, and builds up Babel :
Through Syria, Perfia, Greece, she goes,
And takes the Romans in the close.
But we'll descant on general nature :
This is a system, not a fatire.
Turn we this globe, and let us fee
How different nations disagree
In what we wear, or eat and drink;
Nay, Dick, perhaps in what we think.
In water as you smell and taste
The soils through which it rose and pait ;
In Alma's manners you may read
The place where she was born and bred.
One people from their swaddling bands
Releas’d their infants' feet and hands :
Here Alma to these limbs was brought,
And Sparta’s offspring kick’d and fought.
Another taught their babes to talk,
Ere they could yet in go-carts walk :
There Alma settled in the tongue,
And orators from Athens sprung.
Observe but in these neighbouring lands
The different use of mouths and hands ;
As men repos’d their various hopes,
In battles these, and those in tropes.
In Britain's illes, as Heylin notes,
The ladies trip in petticoats ;
Which, for the honour of their nation,
They quit but on some great occasion.
Men there in breeches clad you view :
They claim that garment as their due.
In Turkey the reverse appears ;
Long coats the haughty husband wears,
And greets his wife with angry speeches,
If she be seen without her breeches.
In our fantastic climes the fair
With cleanly powder dry their hair :
And round their lovely breast and head
Fresh flowers their mingled odours shed.
Your nicer Hottentots think meet
With guts and tripe to deck their feet :
With down-cast looks on Totta's legs
The ogling youth most humbly begs
She would not from his hopes remove
At once his breakfast and his love :
And, if the skittish nymph should fly,
He in a double sense muft die.
We simple toasters take delight
To see our women's teeth look white,
And every saucy ill-bred fellow
Sneers at a mouth profoundly yellow.
In China none hold women sweet,
Except their snags are black as jett.
King Chihu put nine queens to death,
Convict on ftatute, Ivory Teeth.
* At Tonquin, if a prince should die
(As Jesuits write, who never lie),
The wife, and counsellor, and priest,
Who serv'd him moft, and lov'd him best,
Prepare and light his funeral fire,
And cheerful on the pile expire.
In Europe 'twould be hard to find
In each degree one half so kind.
Now turn we to the farthest east,
And there observe the gentry drest.
Prince Giolo, and his royal fisters,
Scarr'd with ten thousand comely blisters ;
The marks remaining on the skin,
To tell the quality within.
Distinguish'd Nashes deck the great :
As each excels in birth or state,
His oylet-holes are more and ampler :
The king's own body was a sampler.
Happy the climate, where the beau
Wears the fame suit for use and show :
And at a small expence your wife,
If once well pink’d, is cloth'd for life.
Westward again, the Indian fair
Is nicely smear'd with fat of bear :
Before you see, you smell your toast;
And sweetest she who stinks the most.
The finest sparks and cleanest beaux
Drip from the shoulders to the toes :
How sleek their skins! their joints how easy!
There Novens only are not greasy.
I mention’d different ways of breeding :
Begin we in our children's reading.
To master John the English maid
A horn-book gives of gingerbread;
And, that the child may learn the better,
As he can name, he eats the letter.
Proceeding thus with vast delight,
He spells, and gnaws, from left to right.
But, shew a Hebrew's hopeful son
Where we suppose the book begun,
The child would thank you for your kindness,
And read quite backward from our finis.
Devour he learning ne'er fo fait,
Great A would be reserv'd the last.
An equal instance of this matter
Is in the manners of a daughter.
In Europe, if a harmless maid,
By Nature and by Love betray'd,
Should, ere a wife, become a nurse,
Her friends would look on her the orse.
In China, Dampier's Travels tell ye
(Look in his Index for Pagelli),
Soon as the British ships unmoor,
And jolly long-boat rows to fhore,
Down come the nobles of the land :
Each brings his daughter in his hand,
Beseeching the imperious tar
To make her but one hour his care.
The tender mother stands affrighted,
Left her dear daughter should be slighted :
And poor mifs Yaya dreads the shame
Of going back the maid she came.
Observe how custom, Dick, compels
The lady that in Europe dwells :
After her tea, she flips away,
And what to do, one need not say.
Now see how great Pomonque's queen
Behav'd herself amongst the men :
Pleas’d with her punch, the gallant soul
First drank, then water'd in the bowl;