Enter Antiphalis of Syracufe.

Ant. The gold, I gave to Dromio, is laid up
Safe at the Centaur; and the heedful flave
Is wander'd forth, in care to feek me out.
By computation, and mine hoft's report,
I could not speak with Dromio, fince at first
1 fent him from the mart: See, here he comes,
Enter Dramio of Syracufe.

How now, fir? is your merry humour alter'd ?
As you love ftrokes, fo jeft with me again.
You know no Centaur ? you receiv'd no gold ?
Your mistress fent to have me home to dinner?
My houfe was at the Phoenix? Waft thou mad,
That thus so madly thou didft answer me?

S. Dro. What anfwer, fir? when spake I such
a word?

Ant. Even now, even here, not half an hour fince.
S. Dra. I did not fee you fince you fent me hence,
Home to the Centaur, with the gold you gave me.
Ant. Villain, thou didst deny the gold's receipt;
And tolft me of a miftref, and a dinner;
For which, I hope, thou felt'it I was difpleas'd.

S. Dr. I am glad to fee you in this merry vein:
What means this jeft? I pray you, mafter, tell me.
Ant. Yea, doft thou jeer and flout me in the teeth?
Think it thou I jeft? Hold, take thou that, and that.
[Beats Dro.

thing for fomething, But fay, fir, is it dinner-time? S. Dro. No, fir; I think, the meat wants that I have.

Ant. In good time, fir, what's that?

S. Dro. Batting.

Ant. Well, fir, then 'twill be dry.

S. Dro. If it be, fir, pray you eat none of it.
Ant. Your reafon?

S. Dro. Left it make you cholerick, and purchase me another dry-basting.

int. Well, fir, learn to jeft in good time: There's a time for all things.

S. Dro. I durft have deny'd that, before you were fo cholerick.

Ant. By what rule, fir?

S. Dro. Marry, fir, by a rule as plain as the plain bald pate of father Time himself.

Ant. Let's hear it.

S. Dro. There's no time for a man to recover his hair, that grows bald by nature.

Ant. May he not do it by fine and recovery? S. Dro. Yes, to pay a fine for a peruke, and recover the loft hair of another man.

Ant. Why is Time fuch a niggard of hair, being, as it is, fo plentiful an excrement?

S. Dro. Because it is a bleffing that he bestows on beafts: and what he hath fcanted men in hair, he hath given them in wit.

Ant. Why, but there's many a man hath more hair than wit.

S. Dio. Not a man of those but he hath the wit lofe his hair 3.

Ant. Why, thou didst conclude hairy men plain dealers without wit.

S. Dro. The plainer dealer, the fooner loft: Yet he lofeth it in a kind of jollity.

S. Dro. Hold, fir, for God's fake, now your jeft
Upon what bargain do you give it me? [is earneft:to
Ant. Becaufe that I familiarly fometimes
Do ufe you for my fool, and chat with you,
Your faucinefs will jeft upon my love,
And make a common of my ferious hours 1.
When the fun fhines, let foolish gnats make fport,
But creep in crannies, when he hides his beams.
If you will jeft with me, know my afpect,
And fafhion your demeanor to my looks,
Or I will beat this method in your fconce.
-S. Dro. Sconce, call you it? fo you would leave
battering, I had rather have it a head: an you use
thefe blows long, I must get a fconce for my head,
and infconce 2 it too, or elfe I shall feek my wit in
my fhoulders. But, I pray, fir, why am I beaten?
Ant. Doft thou not know?

S. Dra. Nothing, fir, but that I am beaten.
Ant. Shall I tell you why?

S. Dro. Ay, fir, and wherefore; for, they fay, every why hath a wherefore.

[fore,

int. For what reafon ?

S. Dro. For two; and found ones too.
Ant. Nay, not found, I pray you.

S. Dro. Sure ones then.

Ant. Nay, not fure, in a thing falfing.
S. Dro. Certain ones then.

Ant. Name them.

S. Dro. The one, to fave the money that he spends in tiring; the other, that at dinner they should not drop in his porridge.

Ant. You would all this time have prov'd, there is no time for all things.

S. Dro. Marry, and did, fir; namely, no time to recover hair loft by nature.

Ant. But your reafon was not fubftantial, why Ant. Why, first, for flouting me; and then, where-there is no time to recover.

For urging it the second time to me. [of feafon, S. Dro. Thus I mend it: Time himself is bald,
S. Dro. Was there ever any man thus beaten out and therefore to the world's end, will have bald fol-
When, in the why, and the wherefore, is neither lowers.
rhime nor reafon ?-

Well, fir, I thank you.

Ant. Thank me, fir? for what?

S. Dro. Marry, fir, for this fomething that you

gave me for nothing.

Ant. I knew, 'twould be a bald conclufion: But foft! who wafts us yonder?

Enter idriana and Luciana.

Adr. Ay, ay, Antipholis, look strange, and frown; Some other miftrefs hath thy fweet afpects,

Ant. I'll make you amends next, to give you no- I am not Adriana, nor thy wife.

1 Meaning, And break in, or intrude upon them when you pleafe. The allufion is to those tracts of ground called commons. 2 That is, fortify it. 3 This alludes to the effects of the venereal disease, one of which, on its first appearance in Europe, was the lofs of hair.

The

The time was once, when thou, unurg'd, wouldft
That never words were mufick to thine ear, [vow
That never object pleafing in thine eye,
That never touch well-welcome to thy hand,
That never meat sweet-favour'd in thy tafte, [thee.
Unless I fpake, or look'd, or touch'd, or carv'd, to
How comes it now, my husband, oh, how comes it,
That thou art then eftranged from thyfelf?
Thyfelf I call it, being ftrange to me,
That, undividable, incorporate,
Am better than thy dear felt's better part.
Ah, do not tear away thyfelf from me;
For know, my love, as eafy may'ft thou fall
A drop of water in the breaking gulph,
And take unmingled thence that drop again,
Without addition, or diminishing,

As take from me thyfelf, and not me too.
How dearly would it touch thee to the quick,
Shouldst thou but hear, I were licentious?
And that this body, confecrate to thee,
By ruffian luft should be contaminate?
Wouldft thou not fpit at me, and spurn at me,
And hurl the name of husband in my face,
And tear the ftain'd skin off my harlot-brow,
And from my falfe hand cut the wedding-ring,
And break it with a deep-divorcing vow?

I know thon canft, and therefore fee, thou do it.
I am poffefs'd with an adulterate blot;
My blood is mingled with the crime of luft:
For, if we two be one, and thou play false,
I do digeft the poison of thy flesh,
Being itrumpeted by thy contagion.

Keep then fair league and truce with thy true bed:
I live dif-ftain'd, thou undifhonoured.

Ant. Plead you to me, fair dame? I know you not:
In Ephefus I am but two hours old,

As ftrange unto your town, as to your talk;
Who, every word by all my wit being scann'd,
Want wit in all one word to understand.

Luc. Fie,brother! how the world is chang'd with
When were you wont to ufe my fifter thus? [you;
She fent for you by Dromio home to dinner.
Ant. By Dromio?

S. Dro. By me?

Adr.Bythee; and thus thou didst return from him, That he did buffet thee, and, in his blows Deny'd my houfe for his, me for his wife.

int. Did you converfe, fir, with this gentlewoman? What is the courfe and drift of your compact ?

S. Dro. I, fir? I never faw her till this time. int. Villain, thou lieft; for even her very words Didft thou deliver to me on the mart.

S. Dr. I never fpake with her in all my life. Ant. How can the thus then call us by our names, Unleis it be by infpiration?

Adr. How ill agrees it with your gravity,
To counterfeit thus grofly with your flave,
Abetting him to thwart me in my mood?
Be it my wrong, you are from me exempt 1,
But wrong not that wrong with a more contempt.
Come, I will faften on this fleeve of thine:
Thou art an elm, my hutband, I a vine;
Whofe weaknefs, marry'd to thy stronger ftare,
Makes me with thy ftrength to communicate:
If ought poffefs thee from me, it is droís,
Ufurping ivy, briar, or idle 2 mofs;
Who, all for want of pruning, with intrufion
Infect thy fap, and live on thy confufion. [theme:
Ant. To me the fpeaks; the moves me for her
What, was I marry'd to her in my dream?
Or fleep I now, and think I hear all this?
What error drives our eyes and ears amifs?
Until I know this fure uncertainty,
I'll entertain the favour'd fallacy.

Luc. Dromio, go bid the fervants spread for dinner.
S. Dro. Oh, for my beads! I crofs me for a finner.
This is the fairy land;-oh, fpight of fpights!--
We talk with goblins, owls 3, and elvifh fprights;
If we obey them not, this will enfue, [blue.
They'll fuck our breath, and pinch us black and
Luc. Why prat'it thou to thyself, and answerst
not?
[fot!
Dromio, thou drone, thou fnail, thou flug, thou
S. Dro. I am transform'd, mafter, am I not?
Ant. I think, thou art, in mind, and fo am I.
S. Dro. Nay, master, both in mind, and in my
Ant. Thou haft thine own form. [shape.
S. Dro. No, I am an ape.

Luc. If thou art chang'd to ought, 'tis to an afs.

S. Dro. 'Tis true, the rides me, and I long for
Tis fo, I am an afs; elfe it could never be, [grafs,
But I fhould know her as well as the knows me.
Adr. Come, come, no longer will I be a fool,
To put the finger in the eye and weep,
Whilst man, and mafter, laugh my woes to fcorn,
Come, fir, to dinner; Dromio, keep the gate :
Hufband, I'll dine above with you to-day,
And fhrive 4 you of a thousand idle pranks :
Sirrah, if any afk you for your master,
Say, he dines forth, and let no creature enter.-—
Come, fifter: Dromio, play the porter well.

Ant. Am I in earth, in heaven, or in hell?
Sleeping or waking? mad, or well-advis'd?
Known unto thefe, and to myself difguis'd!
I'll fay as they fay, and perfever fo,
And in this mist at all adventures go.

S. Dro. Mafter, fhall I be porter at the gate?
Adr. Ay, let none enter, left I break your pate.
Luc, Come, come, Antipholis, we dine too late,
[Exeunt

That is, feparated. That is, unfertile, and therefore ufelefs or idle. 3 Dr. Warburton fays, it was an old popular fuperftition, that the fcrietch-owl fucked out the breath and blood of infants in the cradle. On this account, the Italians called witches, who were fuppofed to be in like manner mifchievously bent against children, firegs, from firix, the foristch-owl."4 That is, contefs.

ACT

ACT

1 A carkanet is faid to have been a necklace fet with ftones, or ftrung with pearls. blockhead, flock, poít. Sir T. Hanmer fays, Mome owes its original to the French word Momon, which fignifies the gaming at dice in mafquerade, the custom and rule of which is, that a strict filence is to bobferved: whatever fum one (takes, another covers, but not a word is to be spoken: from hence alfo comes our word mum! for filence. To wow fignifics

3 That is, fool. 4 That is, I own.

Ang. Here is neither cheer, fir, nor welcome; we would fain have either.

Bal. In debating which was beit, we shall part with neither.

them welcome hither.

Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal;
To her will we to dinner.-Get you home,
And fetch the chain; by this, I know, 'tis made :
Bring it, I pray you, to the Porcupine;

E. Dro. They ftand at the door, mafter; bid For there's the houfe; that chain will I bestow
(Be it for nothing but to fpight my wife)
Upon mine hoftefs there: good fir, make hafte :
Since my own doors refufe to entertain me,

E. Ant. There is fomething in the wind, that we cannot get in. [ments were thin.

E. Dro. You would fay fo, mafter, if your gar-I'll knock eliewhere, to fee if they'll difdain me. Your cake here is warm within; you ftand here Ang. I'll meet you at that place, fome hour, fir,

in the cold: [bought and fold 2. It would make a man mad as a buck, to be fo E. Ant. Go, fetch me fomething, I'll break ope [knave's pate.

the gate.

S. Dro. Break any thing here, and I'll break your E. Dro. A man may break a word with you, fir; and words are but wind;

[behind. Ay, and break it in your face, fo he break it not S. Dro. It feems, thou wanteft breaking: Out upon thee, hind!

E. Dro. Here's too much, out upon thee! I
pray thee, let me in. [fish have no fin.
S. Dro. Ay, when fowls have no feathers, and
E. Ant. Well, I'll break in; Go borrow me a

crow.

hence.

The boufe of Antipholis of Ephefus.
Enter Luciana with Antipholis of Syracufe.
Luc. And may it be that you have quite forgot
A hutband's office? fhall, Antipholis, hate,
Even in the fpring of love, thy love-springs rot?
Shall love, in building, grow fo ruinate?
If you did wed my fifter for her wealth,

Then, for her wealth's fake, ufe her with
more kindness;

[you foOr, if you like elsewhere, do it by stealth; [nefs: E. Dro. A crow without feather; mafter, mean Muthe your falfe love with fome thew of blindFor a fish without a fin, there's a fowl without a Let not my fifter read it in your eye;

feather;

[gether.

Be not thy tongue thy own fhame's orator; If a crow help us in, firrah, we'll pluck a crow to-Look tweet, fpeak fair, become difloyalty;

E. Ant. Go, get thee gone, fetch me an iron

crow.

Bal. Have patience, fir; oh, let it not be fo;
Herein you war against your reputation,
And draw within the compais of fufpect
The unviolated honour of your wife.
Once this,-Your long experience of her wifdom,
Her fober virtue, years, and modesty,
Plead on her part fome caufe to you unknown;
And doubt not, fir, but fhe will well excufe,
Why at this time the doors are made 3 against you.
Be rul'd by me; depart in patience,
And let us to the Tyger all to dinner :
And, about evening, come yourself alone,
To know the reafon of this ftrange reftraint.
If by ftrong hand you offer to break in,
Now in the ftirring paffage of the day,
A vulgar comment will be made of it ;
And that fuppofed by the common rout
Against your yet ungalled cftimation,
That may with foul intrufion enter in,
And dwell upon your grave when you are dead:
For flander lives upon fucceffion;
For ever hous'd, where 't gets poffeffion.

E. Ant. You have prevail'd; I will depart in
quiet,

And, in defpight of mirth 4, mean to be merry.
I know a wench of excellent difcourfe,-
Pretty and witty; wild, and, yet too, gentle,—
There will we dine: this woman that I mean,
My wife (but, I proteft, without defert)

Apparel vice like virtue's harbinger :

Bear a fair prefence, though your heart be tainted;
Teach fin the carriage of a holy faint;

Be fecret falfe; What need the be acquainted?
What fimple thief brags of his own attaint?
'Tis double wrong, to truant with your bed,

And let her read it in thy looks at board:
Shame hath a baftard fame, well manag'd;

Ill deeds are doubled with an evil word.
Alas, poor women! make us but believe,

Being compact 5 of credit, that you love us;
Though others have the arm, fhew us the fleeve;

We in your motion turn, and you may move us. Then, gentle brother, get you in again;

Comfort my fifter, chear her, call her wife: 'Tis holy fport, to be a little vain",

When the fweet breath of flattery conquers ftrife.
S. Ant.Sweet miftrefs, (what your name is elfe,
I know not,

Nor by what wonder you do hit of mine)
Lefs, in your knowledge, and your grace, you
fhow not,
[divine.

Than our earth's wonder; more than earth Teach me, dear creature, how to think and fpeak; Lay open to my earthy grofs conceit, Smother'd in errors, feeble, fhallow, weak,

The folded meaning of your words' deceit.
Againft my foul's pure truth why labour you,

To make it wander in an unknown field?
Are you a god? would you create me new? [yield.
Transform me then, and to your power I'll

I Meaning, we shall share with neither. 2 A proverbial phrafe. 3 To make the door, is a provincial expreffion, fignifying to bar or fasten the door. 4 The meaning is, I will be merry, even out of fpight to mirth, which is, now, of all things, the most unpleating to me. means made up. 6 Fain here fignifies not true.

5 Compact here

But

But if that I am I, then well I know,

Your weeping fifter is no wife of mine,
Nor to her bed no homage do I owe;

Far more, far more, to you do 1 decline.
Oh, train me not, fweet mermaid, with thy note,
To drown me in thy fifter's flood of tears;
Sing, fyren, for thy felf, and I will dote:

Spread o'er the filver waves thy golden hairs,
And as a bed I'll take thee, and there lie;

And, in that glorious fuppofition, think
He gains by death, that hath such means to die :-
Let love, being light, be drowned if he fink!
Luc. What, are you mad, that you do reason fo ? |
S. Ant. Not mad, but mated 2; how, I do not
know.

Lac. It is a fault that fpringeth from your eye.
S. Ant. For gazing on your beams, fair fun,
being by.

Luc. Gaze where you should, and that will clear your fight.

S. Art. As good to wink, fweet love, as look
on night.

Luc. Why call you me, love? call my fister so.
S.. Thy fifter's sister.

Luc. That's my fifter.

S. Ant. No;

It is thyself, mine own felf's better part;
Mine eye's clear eye, my dear heart's dearer heart:
My food, my fortune, and my fweet hope's aim,
My fole earth's heaven, and my heaven's claim.

Luc. All this my fifter is, or elfe thould be.
Ant. Call thyfelf fifter, fweet, for I mean thee:
Thee will I love, and with thee lead my life:
Thou haft no husband yet, nor I no wife:
Give me thy hand.

Lec. Oh, foft, fir, hold you still;

is the a wondrous fat marriage.

S. Ant. How doft thou mean, a fat marriage?

S. Dro. Marry, fir, fhe's the kitchen-wench, and all greafe; and I know not what ufe to put her to, but to make a lamp of her, and run from her by her own light. I warrant, her rags, and the tallow in them, will burn a Poland winter: if the lives 'till doomfday, the 'll burn a week longer than the whole world.

S. Ant. What complexion is the of?

S. Dro. Swart, like my thoe, but her face nothing like fo clean kept: For why, fhe fweats, a man may go over fhoes in the grime of it.

S. Ant. That's a fault that water will mend. S. Dro. No, fir, 'tis in grain; Noah's flood could not do it.

S. Ant. What's her name?

S. Dro. Nell, fir;-but her name and three quarters (that is, an ell and three quarters,) will not measure her from hip to hip.

S. Ant. Then the bears fome breadth?

S. Dr. No longer from head to foot, than from hip to hip; fhe is fpherical, like a globe; I could find out countries in her.

S.nt. In what part of her body stands Ireland? S. Dro. Marry, fir, in her buttocks; I found it out by the bogs.

S. Ant. Where Scotland?

S. Dro. I found it by the barrennefs; hard, in the palm of the hand.

S. Ant. Where France?

S. Dro. In her forehead; arm'd and reverted, making war against her hair 3.

S. Ant. Where England?

S. Dra. I look'd for the chalky cliffs, but I could find no whiteneis in them: but I guess, it stood in

I'll fetch my fifter, to get her good-will. [Exit Luc. her chin, by the fait rheum that ran between France

Enter Dromio of Syracufe.

S. Art. Why, how now, Dromio? where run'ft thou to faft?

and it.

S. Ant. Where Spain?

S. Dro. Faith, I faw it not; but I felt it, hot in

S. Dre. Do you know me, fir? am I Dromio? her breath. am I your man? am I myself?

S. int. Thou art Dromio, thou art my man, thou art thvfelf.

S. Ant, Where America, the Indies?

S. Dro. Oh, fir, upon her nofe, all o'er embellifh'd with rubies, carbuncles, fapphires, declining

S. Dro. I am an afs, I am a woman's man, and their rich aspect to the hot breath of Spain; who befides myfelf.

fent whole armadoes of carracks to be ballasted at

S. Ant. What woman's man? and how befides her nofe. thyfelf?

S. Dio. Marry, fir, befides myself, I am due to a woman; one that claims me, one that haunts me, one that will have me.

S. Ant. What claim lays fhe to thee?

S. Dro. Marry, fir, fuch a claim as you would lay to your horfe; and the would have me as a beaft: not that, I being a beast, she would have me; but that the, being a very beastly creature, lays claim

to me.

S. Ant. What is the?

S. Dio. A very reverend body; ay, fuch a one as a man may not speak of, without he fay, fir-reverence: I have but lean luck in the match, and yet

S. Ant. Where stood Belgia, the Netherlands ?
S. Dro. Oh, fir, I did not look fo low. To con-
clude, this drudge, or diviner, laid claim to me;
call'd me Dromio; fwore, I was affur'd 4 to her;
told me what privy marks I had about me, as the
mark of my shoulder, the mole in my neck, the
great wart on my left arm, that I, amaz'd, ran
from her as a witch: And, I think, if my breaft
had not been made of faith, and my heart of steel,
fhe had transform'd me to a curtail-dog, and made
me turn i' the wheel.

S. Ant. Go, hie thee presently, poft to the road;
And if the wind blow any way from shore,
I will not harbour in this town to-night.

That is, fweet fyren. That is, confounded. 3 This alludes to her having the French difeafe.

4 That is, affianced to her.