194

A DUTCHMAN 'DONE.'

day, calling our attention to a Dutchman of the oldest 'school,' who was walking slowly along the road. We asked an explanation: 'Why, when the Yankees first began to settle in here, he was joined one morning by a slabsided specimen of 'em, as he was picking up the quills that his geese had dropped, in their chattering morning waddles, by the edges of an oblong pond at the road-side. Presently one of the geese stretched out his long neck at the Yankee, who started and ran as if a mad dog were at his heels. 'I dold him,' said the old Dutchman, 'not to be avraid; dat de geese would n't hurt um any; but de geese did run after him dough, clear over de hill a-ways; and none of 'em would n't give um no rest any more, whenever he come along the sdreet. I p'lieve dey had a shbite ag'in de Yankees. Mein GOTT! it 's curious, dough, but de geese always went away, and did n't come back any more!' The secret of that was, that the Yankee, who was so afraid of the Dutchman's geese, had thrown out kernels of corn, among which was one with a fish-hook attached. Once swallowed, the angry goose was soon in tow after the flying fugitive.

'THE subject of the following anecdote,' writes a friend, is an old and respectable physician, who is now a very strenuous temperance man, although in his young days

'VISIBLE PRESENCE' OF DEATH. 195

he sometimes 'patronised the groceries' over much. On one occasion, having indulged very freely in a variety of spirituous decoctions with some boon-companions, he mounted his mare and started for home. He had not gone far before the inconsiderate 'commingling of spirits' in his stomach gave rise to such a furious rebellion that he was fain to dismount and come to an anchor against a large log by the road-side, where he commenced a process of upheaval that was truly alarming. While engaged in these spasmodic efforts at relief, he was accosted by a traveller, who, with true Yankee solicitude, enquired what was the matter. The inebriate, in an interval of his paroxysms, gruffly replied, that he had traded horses, and was very sick of his bargain!'

THERE is perhaps no feeling of our nature so vague, so complicated, so mysterious, as that with which we look upon the cold remains of our fellow-mortals. The dignity

with which DEATH invests the meanest of his victims inspires us with an awe that no living thing can create. The monarch on his throne sinks beneath the beggar in his shroud. The marble features, the powerless hand, the stiffened limb-oh, who can contemplate these with feelings that can be defined! These are the mockery of all our hopes and fears-our fondest love, our fellest hate. Can it be that we now shrink almost with horror from the

196 VISIBLE PRESENCE' OF 6

DEATH.

touch of the hand that but yesterday was fondly clasped in our own? Is that tongue, whose accents even now dwell in our ears, for ever chained in the silence of death? Those dark and heavy eye-lids, are they for ever to seal up in darkness the eyes whose glance no earthly power could restrain? And the SPIRIT which animated that clay, where is it now? Does it witness our grief? does it share our sorrow? Or is the mysterious tie that linked it with mortality broken forever? And remembrances of earthly

scenes, are they to the enfranchised spirit as the morning dream or the fading cloud?' Alas! 'all that we know is, nothing can be known,' until we ourselves shall have passed the dread ordeal!

NUMBER NINE.

A JOKE IN FULL BLOSSOM':

A 'ROUGH GUESS': COMPARATIVE LONGEVITY: SCENE AT SING-SING STATE PRISON: THE ART OF MOWING ENVY OF CITY 'ARTISTS: A 'SHORT-SIGHTED' LANDLORD: MOCK-AUCTIONS: ORIGINAL PICTURE-DEALERS: AN AMATEUR-FISHERMAN CRABS, AND THEIR WAYS: A CONTINGENT REMAINDER': THE LAST BITTER HOUR': IRISH COUSINS": A CAREFUL TINKER: EXERCISED IN PRAYER.'

"

OW BLOSSOM of Canandaigua did love a joke for the joke's sake! We must mention one. Lobsters were formerly quite scarce at Canandaigua, on account of their not being found in the waters of Canandaigua Lake, nor in the streams circumjacent. BLOSSOM had been to the city, procured a fine one, packed it carefully, and took it home with him. The fact was duly proclaimed, the lobster boiled, his friends invited and the supper came off. There was a quaint, dogmatical old fellow, a shoe-maker named JOHNSON, an authority in the village, who had lost all his teeth but two, and those were in opposite sections of his mouth. He had never seen a lobster, nor had the slightest idea of what kind of an animal it was. BLOSSOM, tipping the wink to his confréres, helped him to one of the claws, 'as large as a stone,' and about as hard. 'How do you eat the 'tarnal thing, any how?' said

198 A JOKE IN 'FULL BLOSSOM.'

JOHNSON. O go right ahead with it,' replied BLOSSOM, 'just as it is need n't be afraid of it: do n't want any seasoning.'

After very diligent but somewhat protracted efforts, the old man succeeded in drilling a hole, and establishing a suck, got a taste of the interior. Seeing this position of affairs, BLOSSOM, with the most imperturbable gravity, inquired: 'Well, how do you get along? - how do you like it?' 'Waäl,' said the old man, 'I kind o' like the peth on 't!' The company only smiled; they did n't laugh, until the old gentleman left: and he do n't know any thing about it to this day—they were so polite and well bred!

BLOSSOM's spirit must linger about Canandaigua yet. A friend of ours stopped at his hotel a short time since, and took his seat near the blazing fire, and formed one of quite a large circle of smokers. Presently a fancifullydressed young gentleman entered, and stepping within the circle, planted himself directly in front of one of the gentlemen enjoying his Havana, who was expectorating in sundry directions, between his legs, on either side, in curves, and, as it were, in a fit of desperation, after accumulating a full supply, in a direct straight line. The young dandy, apprehending the discharge, moved one side. Do n't stir, Sir; do n't disturb yourself,' said the smoker: 'I think I can spit through you!'