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Infallible artillery ;

And prove their doctrine orthodox
By apostolic blows and knocks;
Call fire, and sword, and desolation,
A godly, thorough reformation,
Which always must be carried on,
And still be doing, never done;
As if religion were intended
For nothing else but to be mended;
A sect whose chief devotion lies
In odd perverse antipathies ;
In falling out with that or this,
And finding somewhat still amiss;
More peevish, cross, and splenetic,
Than dog distraught or monkey sick;
That with more care keep holiday
The wrong, than others the right way;
Compound for sins they are inclined to,
By damning those they have no mind to.
Still so perverse and opposite,

As if they worshipped God for spite;
The self-same thing they will abhor
One way, and long another for ;
Freewill they one way disavow,
Another, nothing else allow ;
All piety consists therein
In them, in other men all sin;
Rather than fail, they will defy

That which they love most tenderly ;
Quarrel with minced pies, and disparage

Their best and dearest friend, plum-porridge;

Fat pig and goose itself oppose,

And blaspheme custard through the nose.

Th' apostles of this fierce religion,

Like Mahomet's, were ass and widgeon,

To whom our knight, by fast instinct

Of wit and temper, was so linked,
As if hypocrisy and nonsense
Had got th' advowson of his conscience.

THE ELEPHANT IN THE MOON (Abridged).

(A Satire upon the Royal Society.)

A LEARNED Society of late,

The glory of a foreign state,
Agreed, upon a summer's night,
To search the moon by her own light;
To take an invent'ry of all

Her real estate, and personal;
And make an accurate survey
Of all her lands, and how they lay,
As true as that of Ireland, where
The sly surveyors stole a shire;

This was the purpose of their meeting,
For which they chose a time as fitting,
When, at the full, her radiant light
And influence too were at their height.
And now the lofty tube, the scale
With which they heav'n itself assail,
Was mounted full against the moon,
And all stood ready to fall on,
Impatient who should have the honour
To plant an ensign first upon her.
When one, who for his deep belief
Was virtuoso then in chief,
Approved the most profound, and wise,
To solve impossibilities,
Advancing gravely, to apply

To th' optic glass his judging eye,
Quoth he: 'Th' inhabitants o' the moon,
Who, when the sun shines hot at noon,
Do live in cellars under ground,

Of eight miles deep and eighty round-
In which at once they fortify
Against the sun and th' enemy—
Which they count towns and cities there,
Because their people's civiller

Than those rude peasants that are found

To live upon the upper ground,

Called Prevolvans, with whom they are
Perpetually in open war;

And now both armies, highly enraged,

Are in a bloody fight engaged,
And many fall on both sides slain,
As by the glass 'tis clear and plain.
Look quickly then, that every one
May see the fight before 'tis done.'
With that a great philosopher,
Admired and famous far and near,
As one of singular invention,
But universal comprehension,
Applied one eye and half a nose
Unto the optic engine close;
Observed his best, and then cried out:
'The battle's desperately fought;
The gallant Subvolvani rally,

And from their trenches make a sally
Upon the stubborn enemy,

Who now begin to rout and fly.

While thus the learned man entertains

Th' assembly with the Prevolvans,

Another, of as great renown,

And solid judgment, in the moon,
That understood her various soils,

And which produced best jennet-mules,
And in the register of fame
Had entered his long-living name,
After he had pored long and hard
I' th' engine, give a start, and stared—
Quoth he: A stranger sight appears
Than e'er was seen in all the spheres ;
A wonder more unparalleled
Than ever mortal tube beheld;
An elephant from one of those
Two mighty armies is broke loose,
And with the horror of the fight
Appears amazed, and in a fright:
Look quickly, lest the sight of us
Should cause the startled beast t' emboss.
Meanwhile the rest had had a sight

Of all particulars o' the fight,
And ev'ry man, with equal care,
Perused of th' elephant his share;
When one, who, for his excellence

In height'ning words and shad'wing sense,

And magnifying all he writ With curious microscopic wit, Was magnified himself no less In home and foreign colleges, Began, transported with the twang Of his own trillo, thus t' harangue: 'Most excellent and virtuous friends, This great discov'ry makes amends For all our unsuccessful pains, And lost expense of time and brains; For, by this sole phenomenon, We've gotten ground upon the moon, And gained a pass, to hold dispute With all the planets that stand out; To carry this most virtuous war Home to the door of every star, And plant the artillery of our tubes Against their proudest magnitudes; And since it is uncertain when Such wonders will occur again, Let us as cautiously contrive To draw an exact narrative Of what we ev'ry one can swear Our eyes themselves have seen appear, That, when we publish the account, We all may take our oaths upon't.' This said, they all with one consent Agreed to draw up th' instrument, And, for the genʼral satisfaction, To print it in the next transaction; But whilst the chiefs were drawing up This strange memoir o' th' telescope, One, peeping in the tube by chance, Beheld the elephant advance, And from the west side of the moon To th' east was in a moment gone. This being related, gave a stop To what the rest were drawing up; And ev'ry man, amazed anew How it could possibly be true, That any beast should run a race So monstrous, in so short a space, Resolved, howe'er, to make it good,

At least as possible as he could,
And rather his own eyes condemn,

Than question what he 'ad seen with them.
But while they were diverted all

With wording the memorial,
The footboys, for diversion too,
As having nothing else to do,
Seeing the telescope at leisure,
Turned virtuosis for their pleasure:
Began to gaze upon the moon,
As those they waited on had done,
With monkeys' ingenuity,

That love to practise what they see;
When one, whose turn it was to peep,
Saw something in the engine creep,
And, viewing well, discovered more
Than all the learned had done before.
For he had scarce applied his eye
To th' engine, but immediately
He found a mouse was gotten in
The hollow tube, and, shut between
The two glass windows in restraint,
Was swelled into an elephant,
And proved the virtuous occasion
Of all this learned dissertation:
And, as a mountain heretofore
Was great with child, they say, and bore
A silly mouse, this mouse, as strange,
Brought forth a mountain in exchange.
Meanwhile the rest in consultation
Had penned the wonderful narration,
And set their hands, and seals, and wit,
T'attest the truth of what they 'ad writ,
When this accursed phenomenon
Confounded all they'd said or done :
Some swore, upon a second view,
That all they 'ad seen before was true,
And that they never would recant
One syllable of th' elephant;
Avowed his snout could be no mouse's,
But a true elephant's proboscis.
Others began to doubt and waver,
Uncertain which o' th' two to favour,

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