in fearing that the day of grace was gone. I returned home on Monday, envying, as I passed along, the brute creation, their comparatively happy state; wishing that I had never been born, and would gladly have exchanged my situation for that of the meanest reptile which crawled on the earth. O how gladly would I have been annihilated.

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I thought after I got home, that I would take the bible and open it, and see what passage I should first cast my eyes on, as the manner of some is to find out something about their state. I accordingly opened, and first cast my eyes on the 6th of Hebrews. It is impossible for those who were once enlightened," &c. I closed the book with horror, conceiving this to be another token of my miserable state. Again I opened it, and cast my eyes on some expressions of Peter, when he speaks of the latter end of some being worse than the beginning! This farther confirmed me. closed the book, not knowing how to contain myself, nor what to do; but immediately thought I would try the experiment once more, which I accordingly did, and the first place that met my eye, was where Jude speaks of some to whom is reserved the mist of darkness forever! None can conceive my feelings-three times successively had the case turned against me. I precipitately closed the bible; but soon the reflection occurred to me that this was no way for me to find out my state; that it was even tempting God; for although God may frequently have comforted his children, by providentially directing them or causing them to open the Bible to some passage when they were not looking for any such thing, which was adapted to their ease; yet I had no authority to try my state in this way by opening the Bible, and judging myself by the first passage I met; without paying any attention to the context, or considering whether it was at all applicable to the case in any respect whatever. Let those who follow this course ask themselves what authority they have för it ? and if they find none let them begin to leave off, lest they tempt God to leave them to

their own delusion. I saw plainly that in order to find out my state by the word of God, I must take the whole of it together, and if it condemned me or if my character certainly did answer to the description there given of those who had blasphemed the Holy Ghost; then, I might take it for granted, that I was undone ; but that I had no right or that there was no reason in my taking the steps which I had, either in condemning myself or finding comfort. I felt some relieved, although I was yet filled with terrible apprehensions. During the week I preached twice, but so heavy was the load on my mind, that while I spake I could not raise my eyes from the floor of the house. Although I felt some relieved from the apprehension that it was forever too late for me to find mercy, yet I utterly despaired of heaven without I could attain to, and live in a state of sinless perfection here. I understood the Methodists to teach that doctrine, and so I called on the Methodist minister in Providence for advice and instruction how to attain to it. He conversed with me some time, and read to me some of Mr. Fletcher's writings on the subject. I returned home, and on my way borrowed one of the volumes of Mr. Fletcher's works, read it attentively, and earnestly prayed for the blessing of sanctification, as it is emphatically termed by the Methodists. I expected that if I received it I should lose my animal strength, and be something like a dead man until I should be made perfectly holy. I wrestled, strove and agonized, but all seemed in vain. Nevertheless I tried to believe against hope, and that passage respecting Abraham seemed to be powerfully applied to my mind. Rom. iv 18. Through this week I was alternately indulging a hope, that God would bless me, and then despairing of his favour ever being shewn, I was troubled at night with dreams extremely disagreeable and horrible.

On the next Sabbath, I had an appointment at Paw- tucket, and proceeded there on Saturday. On my way I had such a view of the nature of sin, as I do not

remember of experiencing before. It looked to me so exceedingly disagreeable and hateful, and I loathed it so, that it actually seemed to have an effect on my animal frame, that I know not how to describe. Indeed, I had through the whole time of my trouble been exercised with similar views, and when some endeavoured to encourage me on the ground of past faithfulness, I could not endure to hear them; so much did my righteousness disgust me.

sue.

I was welcomed by the brethren and sisters in Pawtucket, and had a more comfortable meeting that evening than I had enjoyed before, since my trials commenced. In the morning, I felt more confidence still, and was enabled, as I thought, to trust in God. I know not how to describe my feelings through the day. I felt comparatively speaking, like a person hanging over a dreadful gulph, just by one finger, fearing every moment that the hold would give way, and ruin enI tried to believe in Christ-to cast my naked soul into his hands; to risk my eternal all with him, and some how or other, I was kept tolerably comfortable in this way through the day, except for a short time, as I was about administering the Lord's Supper, when it seemed as if the powers of Hell were let loose upon me. I thought that although there might have been hope for me before, yet now there could be none; as I had completed the work of reprobating myself by undertaking to administer such a holy ordinance when I was such a vile wretch. I felt while I was breaking the bread, as if I should fall right into eternal burnings. But I did not desist, but went through with the ordinance, and presently felt some better. I preached in the evening with some liberty, and have reason to believe uncommonly solemn and impressive.

I retired after preaching, to my lodgings, and a number came in and conversed a few moments, then retired, and I was left alone. I sat down, and as far as I can recollect, felt calm in my mind, and wholly unconscious of the extraordinary scenes which were soon to be exhibited to my astonished soul. Suddenly

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the room seemed to be filled with the glory of God.· I know it is impossible for me to find language to describe this wonderful mauifestation of God's holiness. I do not say that I saw any natural light, or heard any voice, nor that I saw a supernatural being or beings, as having a body or parts. But I saw God's moral beauty or holiness;I seemed overwhelmed in God's spirit ; I had a view of holiness when I trust I was converted, and loved it; but now it seemed as if God was all around me; the divine beauty and glory filled the place where I was. O the transcendant beauty of holiness! O the amiableness of God's moral character! I had also a most solemn sense of God's majesty and great power. It seemed to me that I should be dissolved under this view of his glory and majesty. But the beauty of holiness was most delightful to my soul. God's people who have had a glimpse of it know that there is something in it unutterably glorious and beautiful. I besought God not to destroy me by his great power; but to fill me with his love. I retired to my bed, and O such glorious views and exercises as I then experienced, angels never can describe. No sooner was the presence of God manifested to me, than many passages of Scripture flowed into my mind, where metaphorical expressions are used to illustrate God's holinessparticularly Mal. iii. 2, 3.

"For he is as a refiner's fire, and fuller's soap," &c.; and Revelations ii, 14. 15; "His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow, and his eyes were as a flame of fire. And his feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace," &c. But how far short does the metaphor fall of expressing the thing itself. I knew that God filled the place; I knew, then, that there was a God, and that he was manifesting himself to me. I had this knowledge and certainty communicated in a way which is inexplicable to those who have never experienced manifestations of God's holiness to their souls. I did not then have to argue the existence of a God from his works, or to establish premises and draw conclusions. I had the evidence direct; I had it intu

itively;-God was there, and I knew it. I knew it because I saw his holiness-his moral beauty-his transcendant divine excellency. I knew it because his spirit filled the room, and the glory of the Divine Majesty shone around about me. I know not that I saw any natural light, as I before observed, yet there seemed to be a transcendant brightness exhibited to me-a brightness however, that I could as well see with my natural eyes closed, as with them opened. As for the certainty of the presence of God, it is impossible for me ever to be more certain of any thing whatever. I never was more certain that I saw the natural sun, or that I had hands and feet, or that I existed; and yet I heard no voice-I saw no being as having a body like the shapes which we conceive of Angels, or the immortalized body of the Lord Jesus. But yet if one thing be more certain than another, which I ever saw, tasted, or felt, it was that God was there. I had no natural sight of him; and yet I beheld his glory.

I hardly knew how to undertake to write these views and exercises;-language seemed to me so inadequate to the task. It seems almost like tarnishing the subject. Other Christians that are more ready with language might do far better; but still the thing can never be told from one finite being to another. How true are the words of scripture; 66 eye hath not seen, the ear heard; neither hath it entered into the heart of man to conceive of the things which God hath laid up for those who love him." Yet notwithstanding this, God reveals them to his saints by his Spirit. The manifestations of God's holiness, or the moral and spiritual beauty and glory of the ever blessed God, bring their own evidence with them, and give an infallible assurance to the soul. If I had seen a supernatural being professing to be an angel from heaven, telling me wonderful things, I should have had reason or room to doubt; for Satan sometimes is transformed into an angel of light. If I had thought I heard a voice from heaven, declaring to me that my name was written in heaven, I might have had room to have

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