does-and-if he ever d-did-I know a you know-why, suppothing it is bwoken stunning dodge-You-you can have a (as any weal pitcher may be any day of little bottle made, with a gold top, you the week), the only thing a fellah can do know-a kind of a thort of a lady's-com- is to b-buy another. They're not so vewy panion-looking-thing-and hang it on expensive, after all. I d-dare say you your watch chain like a charm." That's could buy a stunner for half a cwown-so not a bad idea of mine, is it? I-I've a what's the use of making such a jolly wow good mind to take out a patent for that-I about it? have! down This eccentwic old party then goes on to say, that I forgot to say that about half way the stick there was a place for a penknifeand a toothpick and a corkscrew-all-you SHOULDN'T THROW STONES." know-vewy utheful things in their way— especially the corkscrew. "THOSE WHO LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES The wortht of it was that somehow or other-I never wanted any of 'em. So I think Poor Richard was wong after all-to tell a fellah to buy what he has no n-need of-and as for s-selling my necessawiesI—I'm dash d if I'll do anything of the kind -n-no-not for P-poor Richard-nor nor ANY OTHER MAN. But there's one vewy nonthensical pwoverb which says: “A B—BIRD IN THE HAND IS WORTH TWO IN THE BUSH." Now, considewing what a vewy small pwoportion of people occupy tenements of this descwiption, I should have thought the best thing to say would have been, “Th— those who d-don't live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones." I-I'm sure it would have embwaced a gweater n-number of the community-p-particularly th— those little b-blackguards in the stweets, who can never even have been in the Cwystal palace in their lives-and yet are always shying things about-b-beathly balls that hit you-and then webound back in a mistewious sort of way into their hands--and playing at t-tip-cat-a howwid kind of game, in which a fellah strikes a bit of wood on the gwound that flies up into the airand—and if it doesn't hit you-he winsthat is, he gets it back again—and if—if it does hit you, you lose that is, you lose your temper-at least I know I do. Th-the man who invented that pwoverb must have been a born idiot. How the doothe can he t-tell the welative v-value of poultry in that pwomithcuous manner? Suppothe I've got a wobbin-wed-bweast in my hand-(I nearly had the other morning-but he flew away-confound him!)— well-suppothe the two birds in the bush are a b-bwace of partwidges-you—you all is— don't mean to t-tell me that that wobbinwed-bweast would fetch as m-much as a bwace of partwidges? Abthurd! P-poor Richard can't gammon me in that sort of way. Then there's another But the m-most widiculous makthim of "TAKE CARE OF THE PENCE, AND THE POUNDS WILL TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES." Did you ever hear such nonthense? If there's one thing I hate to carry about with me it'th coppers. Somehow or other-I never had but very few pence in my life"THE PITCHER GOES OFT TO THE WELL, and those-I-I gave away to one of ththose organ fellahs in the stweet. Ha, ha! Now this I take to be a sort of alle-What-I suppothe he bought m-monkeys or is that word now, which m-means some- some howwid thing with it-I-I don't care. thing diffewent to what it weally means? I only hope I shall never see any more b-an alle-alligator?-no-allicampane- beathly coppers again-howwid things! Fancy!-I had to put them in my pocket BUT THE PITCHER AT LAST MAY BE BROKEN.' alkali?-all-no-allegory-that's it. The pitcher is a sort of allegory-and-I-I hate putting things in my pocket. means of couthe, a person. Well-if-if a person goes t-to the well, it stands to all weason th-that he can't go to the bad; and if he dothn't go to the bbad-he can't be bwoken-so Poor Richard's out again there. But if he weally means a pitcher- thing for holding water, Th-that's a sort of thing no fellah should do-it spoils the shape of one's clothes so. And then the muff says that the pounds will take care of themselves! I don't b'lieve a word of it. Besides-I mean pounds thterling, not poundth weight, of course I rather like pounds. They-they'd be pwetty lit tle things-if it wasn't for the change. But then a fellah can always give the change away, if he likes. Let me see-th-there's something more about money that Poor Wichard says-Oh, I wemember : "IF YOU WOULD KNOW THE VALUE OF MONEY TRY TO BORROW SOME." By Jove-yes-he-he's wite there he's wite at last-Poor Richard is.-(If he'd been Rich Richard he wouldn't have hit that off so well.)-Yes-if you would know the value of money, try to bowwo some. Vewy twue-and I'll tell you another thing-when you've found out how valuable it is-ha, ha!-NEVER lend it. Th-that's my makthim. You see I'm th-thinking of bwother lars will bear the impression of a goose, and that goslings may be put on the ten-cent pieces." When the amendment was proposed, every countenance was relaxed into a smile. As Mr. Thacher proceeded to state his reasons, there was a universal peal of laughter loud and long. Unhappily, the member who rehave been a goose himself-thought that all ported the bill-and who must certainly the laugh was at him. The next day he sent a friend to Mr. Thacher with a challenge. When the message was delivered, and the reason of it told, Mr. Thacher replied, "Tell him I won't fight." "But, Mr. Thacher, what will the world say? They may call you a coward." "A coward!" said Mr. Thacher; "why, so I am, as the world goes, and he knows that very well, or he would never have chalSlenged me. Tell him that I have a wife and children who have a deep interest in my life, and I can not put it to such danger without their consent. I will write to them; and if they give their permission I will accept his challenge. But no," he added, DUNDREARY. THE GOOSE A NATIONAL BIRD. WHILE Judge Thacher was a member of the House of Representatives of the United States, a bill was reported on the subject of American coins, which made provision that one side of them should bear the impression of an eagle. Mr. Thacher moved an amendment that the word eagle should be stricken out wherever it occurred in the bill, and the word goose be substituted. He rose to support the amendment, and with great gravity stated that the eagle was an emblem of royalty, and had always been so considered. "It is a royal bird, Mr. Speaker, and the idea that it should be impressed upon our coinage is inexpressibly shocking to my republican feelings. Sir, it would be grossly inconsistent with our national character. But the goose, sir, is a republican bird-the fit emblem of republicanism. Ever since I became acquainted with classic lore, sir, I have remembered with ever new satisfaction, that it was the cackling of a flock of these republicans which saved the greatest city in the world, and always since I have felt disposed to greet every goose I have seen as a brother republican. These reasons, sir, upon which I could enlarge very much, are, in my view, conclusive in favor of the amendment proposed, and I hope our dol you need not say that. Tell him to mark out a figure of my size on some wall, and then go off to the honorable distance and fire at it; if he hits within the mark, I will acknowledge that he would have hit me had I been there." The gentleman laughed, returned to the challenger, and advised him to let Mr. Thacher alone, for he believed that if they should fight, and Thacher were killed, he would, in some way or other, contrive to get a laugh upon his opponent that he would never get over. The point of honor was abandoned.—BENch and Bar. THE WATER CURE. 66 Hey! hoop! d'ye hear, my curs'd obstrep What, can't ye find one bed about the house? MISS MOLLY, a fam'd Toast, was fair and That rival to the softness of a mill! young, Had wealth and charms-but then she had a From morn to night th' eternal larum run, won. Some couch and distant room must be my choice, Where I may sleep uncurs'd with wife and noise." Long this uncomfortable life they led, Sir John was smitten, and confess'd his To an old uncle oft she would complain, flame, Sigh'd out the usual time, then wed the Possess'd, he thought, of ev'ry joy of life: From whence some petty discord would As "You're a fool !" and, "You are mighty wise !" Though he, and all the world, allow'd her wit, Her voice was shrill and rather loud than When she began, for hat and sword he'd call, Supper and friends expect me at the Rose." Go stink of smoke, and guzzle nasty wine: Sure, never virtuous love was us'd like mine !" Oft as the watchful bellman march'd his At a fresh bottle, gay Sir John he found. And only then reel'd off-because alone. Beg his advice, and scarce from tears re- Old Wisewood smok'd the matter as it was; cause. A wond'rous spring within my garden flows, Smile and look pleas'd when he shall rage Still in your mouth the healing cordial hold! Or every prattling hussy 'll beg a dose." A water bottle's brought for her relief; The bonny knight reels home exceeding clear, No hurricane! Betty, 's your lady dead?" Full well he knew the dreadful storm to Madam, aside, an ample mouthful takes, come; But arm'd with Bordeaux, he durst venture home. My lady with her tongue was still prepar'd, Till morn sends staggering home a drunken Resolv'd to break my heart as well as rest." Curt'sies, looks kind, but not a word she speaks. Wondering he stares, scarcely his eyes believ'd, But found his ears agreeably deceiv'd. 64 Why, how now, Molly, what's the crotchet now?" She smiles, and answers only with a bow, With that he sighed, her hand began to press, And Betty calls her lady to undress. For many days these fond endearments past, arose, And looks and words the union discompose. "Why niece," says he, "I pr'ythee appre- The water's water-be thyself the friend. | manufacturers of mischief in this line of acting, the most notorious, the most systematically troublesome, that ever I heard of, was Mungo Mackay, of the good old town of Boston, in Massachusetts Bay. Others follow the sport as most men follow the hounds, or cultivate music, as a recreation; but Mackay might be said to follow it as though it were his trade. With them it is of life. It was food and raiment to him; the bye-play, with him it was the business he could not exist without a plot against the tranquillity of his neighborhood, he laughed but when others were in a rage, and enjoyed life to mark when those around him were suffering from the results of his inventive genius. His father died just as he had grown to man's estate, leaving him a comfortable independence; and, from that period he passed his days and nights MUNGO MACKAY, THE PRACTICAL in a crusade against the peace of the good JOKER. BY A BLUE nose. people of Boston. He was an Ishmaelitish wit, for, truly, "his hand was against every man, and every man's hand against him," the River Charles to South Boston, and for many miles round the villages, by a semicircle, in which the ancient capital of the land of steady habits is enclosed. It is not my intention to write the life of this eccentric individual, although I have read less amusing, and perhaps less instructive biographies than it would make. Pass we then over his juvenile days of pristine wickedness, over countless manifestations of precocious talents, that we may come without further preface to a few of those exhibitions of ripened genius which prove him to have been a master of his art. Of all the amateur lovers of wit or regu-ay, and the hand of every woman too, from lar professors of jesting, Heaven defend me from the entire tribe of practical jokers. There is no race more dangerous to the peace of mankind, or who commit more outrages upon the good sense and the good feeling of society. I can endure a mere verbal wit, a perpetrator of puns, or an inventor of quaint sayings and humorous anecdotes; I can tolerate even an ill-natured satirist, provided there be something like impromptu in the fun or the mischief: but, when a fellow descends to plot, to introduce machinery, and erect a regular battery of malicious drollery against his neighbor, "Put me a whip in every honest hand One cold, raw November night in the to scourge the rascal naked through the year 18-, the wind blew as though it world." I have tried hard (for some whose would blow down old Faneuil Hall, and the good qualities I respect have been given to rain fell in such torrents that Bunker Hill this vice), but never could preserve a last- was nearly washed away. The sky was as ing friendship with a practical joker. The black as "All round my hat!" and the air wife of his bosom is not always safe; how, was compounded of that delightful admixthen, can the chance acquaintance, or inti- ture of frost and moisture, in which there is mate friend, hope for enduring courtesy enough of the latter to open the pores, while and esteem? I have known a man disin- the former goes directly to the heart. In herited for indulging this evil propensity the midst of this rumbling of the elements upon his father. I have known two men a tall figure might be seen winding stealthsent out to exchange shots of a cold morn-ily along through narrow streets and lonely ing, because a neighbor, to make sport at the expense of the one, had breathed what was meant for humor, but was in reality foul suspicion, into the ear of the other. But, of all the mad devotees to the science of practical joking, of all the inveterate alleys, shod with a pair of fishermen's boots, and enveloped in a huge pea-jacket (for, indeed, rubbers and Mackintoshes were unknown in those days), until it halted under the window of a lonely cottage, at some distance from the town, and, the family having been some time in bed, knocked violently at the door. At first his rude summons was unanswered; but, after repeated thumps, a bed-room window was thrown up, and a voice demanded who was there? "Pray, sir," said Mackay-for it was he"will you be kind enough to tell me if a person named Nutt lives in this neighborhood?" "To be sure he does," replied the voice from the window; "he lives here." "I am glad of that," said M., "for the night is very stormy, and I have something of great importance to communicate to him.' "Of great importance!-of great importance, did you say ? I know of nothing very important that can concern me at this hour of the night; but whatever it is let us hear it. I am the person you want." "Speak a little louder, if you please," said M. "I am somewhat deaf, and the spout makes such a noise. Did you say your name was Nutt?" "Certainly I did; and I wish you would make haste to communicate whatever you have to say, for I have nothing on but my shirt and night-cap, and the wind is whistling through me nation cold." Have you got an uncle in Boston, childless and very old, worth ten thousand dollars?" At this question, a long-pointed white night-cap was thrust out of the window, and in an instant, together with the shirt-collar that followed, it was saturated with rain. "What did you say about an uncle and ten thousand dollars? My uncle Wheeler is very old and rich; but what of him?" "Oh, nothing as yet, till I am certain of my man. There may be a good many Nutts about here. It is John Nutt I want." "I am the man," said the voice in the night-cap." There's no mistake. There's not a man for twenty miles round of the name of Nutt but myself; and, besides, my Christian name is John, and I have an uncle in Boston." By this time the whole back and sleeves of the shirt were out of the window, the tassel at the end of the white night cap nearly touched the green palings in front of the house; and had there been light enough to have seen, a painter might have caught an attitude of straining anxiety and a face (or rather two faces, for by this time there was a female peering over Nutt's shoulder) beaming with the anticipation of good fortune to come. 66 Well, then, all I have to say is, may the Devil crack you!" The two heads were drawn in like lightning from the rain; and, as the window was slammed down with a violence that bespoke rage and disappointment, a loud horse-laugh rose upon the wind, and the lover of practical jokes turned on his heel to trudge homeward through the mist, as the good woman inside was going in search of the tinder-box to enable her to hunt up dry chemises, shirts, and nightcaps. Another of his tricks had very nearly broken a poor fellow's neck; but, I verily believe that if it had, it would have been all the same to Mackay, who seemed to think that the whole human race had only been created for him to play pranks upon; or, perhaps he quieted his conscience by the belief that the amusement afforded to the many, more than counterbalanced the annoyance, and sometimes actual pain, which he dealt out to the few. Old Ben Russell, or Major Russell, as he was usually styled, was a tall, fine-looking man, at that time in the prime of life, strong as Hercules, but with a good deal of the neatness of dress, and polished manners of a gentleman of the old school. He had for many years owned and edited the Boston Sentinel, and prided himself upon two things, always having his paper out at a certain time, and always having in it the most exact and authentic intelligence. No man in the city could at a word tell you so correctly the position of contending armies in the last European battles, or the points at issue in the latest Continental negotiation. When two armies went into the Netherlands for a summer's work (and, as Sergeant Cotton, the Waterloo guide, says, "Ain't it the cockpit of Europe? no matter where they quarrel, they're sure to come here to fight!") Ben Russell unfurled the map of the country upon the wall of his sanctum as soon as they unfurled their banners in the field; and two pins, one black and the other white, stuck through the map, served to mark the places at which they first entered the |