The Dutch Witness.

During a recent trial before Justice Dougherty it was thought important by counsel to determine the length of time that certain "2 quarters of beef, 2 hogs and 1 sheep" remained in an express wagon in front of plaintiff's store before they were taken away by the defendant. The witness under examination was a German, whose knowledge of the English language was very limited; but he testified in a very plain, straight-forward way to having weighed the meat, and to having afterward carried it out and put it into the aforesaid wagon.

Then the following ensued:

"State to the jury," said Lawyer E., "how long it was after you took the meat from the store and put it into the wagon before you took it away."

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Now, I shoost cand dell dat. I dinks 'bout dwelve feet I not say nearer as dat."

"You don't understand me. How long was it from the time the meat left the store, and was put into the wagon, before it was taken away by the defendant?"

"Now, I know not what you ax dat for. Der vagon he vas back up mit der sidevalk, and dat's shoost so long as it vas. You dell me how long der sidevalk vas. Den feet? Dvelve feet? Den I dells you how long it vas."

"I don't want to find out how wide the sidewalk was, but I want to know" (speaking very slowly), how-long-this-before- it was taken

meat

away?"

"Oh!

was -in-the

wagon-

him; never measured meat, not yet.

meat so. I all time weigh

But I dinks 'bout dree

feet." (Here the spectators and his honor and the jury smiled audibly). "I know not, shentlemens, how is dis. I dell you all I can, so good as I know."

"Look here, I want to know how long it was before the meat was taken away after it was put into the wagon?"

"Now you try and get me in a scrape. Dat meat cos shoost so long in der vagon as he vas in der shop. Dat's all I told you. He don't got no longer in den dousan' year, not mooch."

"That will do," said the lawyer. N. O. Times.

Dyin Vords of Isaac.

When Shicago vas a leedle villages, dhere lifed py dot Clark Sdhreet a shentlemans who got some names like Isaacs; he geeb a cloting store, mit goots dot vit you yoost der same like dhey vas made. Isaacs vas a goot fellers, und makes goot pishness on his hause. Vell, thrade got besser as der time he vas come, und dose leedle shtore vas not so pig enuff like anudder shtore, und pooty gwick he locks out und leaves der pblace.

Now Yacob Schloffenheimer vas a shmard feller, und he dinks of he dook der olt shtore he got good pishness und dose olt coostomers von Isaac out. Von tay dhere comes a shentlemans on his store, und Yacob quick say of der mans, "How you vas, mein freund; you like to look of mine goots, aind it?" "Nein," der mans say. "Vell, mein freund, it makes me notting troubles to show dot goots." "Nein; I dond vood buy sometings totay." "Yoost come mit me vonce, mein freund, und I show you sometings, und, so hellub me gracious, I dond ask you to buy dot goots." "Vell, I told you vat it vas, I dond vood look at some tings yoost now; I keeps a livery shtable, und I likes to see mein old freund, Mister Isaacs, und I came von Kaintucky, out to see him vonce." "Mister Isaacs? Vell, dot is pad; I vas sorry von dot. I dells you, mein freund, Mr. Isaacs he vas died. He vas mein brudder, und he vas not mit us eny more. Yoost vhen he vas on his deat-ped, und vas dyin', he says of me, 'Yacob' (dot ish mine names), und I goes me ofer mit his pet-side, und he poods his hands of mine, und

he says of me, 'Yacob, ofer a man he shall come von Kaintucky out, mit ret hair, und mit plue eyes, Yacob, sell him dings cheab,' und he lay ofer und died his last."

How "Sockery" Set a Hen.

The following is given as a fine example of Dutch dialect: I dell you all apout vot dook blace mit me lasht summer; you know-oder uf yu dond know, den I dells you-dot Katrina (dot is mine vrow) und me, ve keeps some shickens for a long dime ago, un von tay she sait to me, "Sockery " (dot is mein name), "vy dond you put some aigs unter dot olt plue hen shickens? I dink she vants to sate." "Vell," I sait, "maype I guess I vill." So I bicked oud some uf de best aigs, und dook um oud do de parn fere de olt hen make her nesht in de side uf de haymow, pout fife six veet up. Now you see I nefer vas fery pig up und town, put I vas booty pig all the vay arount in de mittle, so I koodn't reach up dill I vent und got a parrel do stant on. Vell I klimet me on de parrel, und ven my hed rise up py de nesht, dot old hen she gif me such a bick dot my nose runs all ofer my face mit plood; und ven I todge pack, dot plasted ol' parrel het preak, und I vent town kershlam. Py cholly, I didn't tink I kood go insite a parrel pefore; put dere I vos, und I fit so dite dot I koodn't git me out efery vay. My fest vas bushed vay up unter my arm-holes. Ven I fount I vas dite shtuck, I holler, "Katrina! Katrina!" Und ven she koom und see me shtuck in de parrel up to my arm-holes, mit my face all plood und aigs, py cholly, she chust lait town on de hay, und laft, und laft, till I got so mat I sait, "Vat you lay dere und laf like a olt vool, eh? Vy dond you koom bull me oud?" Und den she set up und sait, "Oh, vipe off your chin, und bull your fest town." Den she lait pack und laft like she vood shblit herself more as efer. Mat as I vas, I tought to myself, Katrina, she shbeak English booty goot; but I only sait, mit my greatest dignitude, "Ka

trina, vill you bull me oud dis parrel?" Und she see dot I look booty red, und she sait, "Ov course I vill, Sockery." Den she lait me und de parrel town on our site, und I dook holt de door sill, und Katrina she bull on de parrel; but de first bull she made I yelled "Donner und blitzen! shtop dat, by cholly; dere is nails in de parrel!" You see de nails bent down ven I vent in, but ven I koom oud dey shtick in me all de vey rount. Vell, to make a short shtory long, I told Katrina to go und dell naypor Hansman to pring a saw und saw me dis parrel off. Vell, he koom, und he like to shblit himself mit laf too; but he roll me ofer, und saw de parrel all de vay arount off, und I git up mit half a parrel arount my vaist. Den Katrina, she say, "Sockery, vait a little till I get a battern of dot new oferskirt you haf on." But I didn't sait a vord. I shust got a nife, und vittle de hoops off, und shling dot confountet oll parrel in de voot-pile.

Pimepy ven I koom in de house, Katrina, she sait, so soft like, "Sockery, dond yor goin' to but some aigs unter dot olt plue hen?" Den I sait, in my deepest woice, "Katrina, uf you efer say dot to me again I'll git a pill from you, so help me chiminy cracious!" und I dell dell you she didn't say dot any Vell, ven I shtep on a parrel now, I dond shtep on it -I git a pox.-Poultry Monthly.

more.

Rube Hoffenstein's Courtship.

"Herman, do you still go around mit Rachel Goslinski?" said Hoffenstein.

"Yes, sir," replied the clerk. I dakes her out somedimes. ven I don't got nodding to do.'

"Vell, you must keep on daking her oud, because she vas velty, you know, und you don't find dem often dese days. Ven I vas making love mit my vife, Leah Heidenheimer, I haf a great deal of drouble, but I nefer veakens. Old man Moses Heidenheimer's blace vas in de gountry about von mile from