DUTCH WIT.

Quaint Anecdotes and Blunders.

Melville D. Landon, A.M.

All the dialects, the Dutch, the Irish and the negro dialects produce laughter, because they are instances of deformed language. All stammering stories will produce laughter, too, or account of the deformity of language.

The simplest incident, if told with a dialect, will produce laughter. For instance:

Two Germans met in San Francisco.

greeting, the following dialogue ensued: "Fen you said you hev arrived?"

"Yesterday."

"You came dot Horn around?"

"No."

After affectionate

"Oh! I see; you came dot isthmus across?" "No."

"Oh! den you come dot land over?"

"No."

Den you hef not arrived?"

Oh, yes, I hef arrived. I come dot Mexico through."

'I no understand dis ting. I haf carry dot nose fordy year. unt he nefer freeze hisself before."

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All lisping or stammering stories come under the heading of deformed language. For example:

A country fellow who lisped, having bought some pigs, asked a neighbor for the use of a pen for a few days. Said he:

"I have jutht been purchathin thome thwine-two thowth and pigth. I want to put them in your pen."

"Two thousand pigs!" exclaimed the neighbor; "why, my pen will hardly hold a dozen."

"You don't understand me, Mr. Bent; I don't thay two thouthand pigths, but two thowth and pigth."

"I hear you," said Mr. Bent-"two thousand pigs. Why, you must be crazy 139

"I tell you again," exclaimed the man, angrily, "I mean not two thouthand pigth, but two thowth and two pigth." "Oh, that is what you mean, eh? Well, take the pen !"

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Chinese dialect, or "pigeon English," is always very amusing. For instance, the other day I met Wang Ho, and asked him why Americans always like to see wrestling and fighting. Wang Ho looked up from his work-board very quizzically, and said:

"You wank know why Melica man likee fight? Him heap flaid of him wifee. Melican velly fond stay out latee. Him wifee get heap mad-taka a poka—say, 'Me givee him fit 'taka pitch ice wata-say, 'Me coole him off.' Bimeby Melican man come home, takee off him shoe, stealee upstay-say, 'Me foolee ole woman.' Alle same him wifee open him eye-say, 'Ha! whe you be so latee? Wha time you thinkee him be?' Den Melican man him say, 'You betta leavee me lone-me velly bad man. Me see fightee allee night-Patsee HogeeJack Hallnee. Me heap sabe Sullivan-knock you out in a minute. Me sabe Muldoon-gives you fall-bleakee you neck. You let up; me velly tough man-muchee wosee man Sullivan.' Den him wifee hitee Melican poka, wetee him ice wata, takee

him wipee de flo. Melican man yellee 'Mudda! fi! fi! pleece! Nexa day newspapa say heap muchee talkee high life. Veliy bad on Melican man; him get divoce, allee same Jim Faygivee him wifee million dolla un ketchee nudda gallee.”

"I Lofe an Honest Poy."

A. Miner Griswold.

The other day, our little boy went over to Jacob Abraham's clothing store to get a two-dollar bill changed. By some mistake, Abraham made a mistake in the change-paid him twenty-five cents too much.

"We sent little Frank back to return the extra quarter which, by the way, had a hole in it. Entering the store and holding out the money, the boy said:

"You changed a two dollar bill for me, here's a quarter—” "Shanged nodinks! I shanged no pills mit you!" exclaimed Jacob, thinking Frank wanted him to take the quarter with the hole in it back.

"Yes, you did, and here's a quarter—”

"Mein Gott, vas a liars! never in my life did I see sich a poys. I dells you you never shanged me mit any pills."

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Why, I was here not half an hour ago, and you gave me a quarter-"

"Gif you some quarters, gif you some quarters! Got in hamil, young feller, do you dink I pin gone grazy mit my prains? I don't gif you some quarters. Now, make yourself seldom, ride away, pefore I put shoulders on your head," and he commenced to move out from behind the counter.

"O, you didn't give me the quarter, then! All right; all right, squire. I'm just a quarter ahead," and he started to go

out.

"Now," said the German, putting himself in an attitude of admiration, "dot is vat I likes to see petter as nothings else. I lofe an honest poy, and I shoost been trying you, sonny. Yaw, it was me what makes shange mit ter pill, and I knows

it all der same, but I vas drying you. Du bees a goot poy, and I gifs you a nice pig apples for your honesty," and pocketing the quarter, he led the boy back to the rear end of the store, and selecting an apple about the size of a marble, he presented it to the boy, and patting him on the head, said:

"Now, run along home, sonny, and tell your volks vat a nice p-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l old shentleman it vas who gif you dot nice apples."

Dutch English.

A German in Chicago who has not paid much attention to learning English, had a horse stolen from his barn the other night, whereupon he advertised as follows:

"Von nite, de oder day, ven I was bin awake in my shleep, I heare sometings vat I tinks vas not yust right in my barn, and I out shumps to bed and runs mit the barn out; and ven I was dere coom I sees dat my pig gray iron mare he vas bin tide loose and run mit the staple off; and whoefer will him back pring, I yust so much pay him as vas bin kushtomary."

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"Py Schiminy, how do boy studies de languages!" is what a delighted elderly German said when his four year old son called him a blear-eyed son of a saw-horse.

Dutch Idea of Insurance.

Bill Nye.

A New York Dutchman insured his home in the Hanover Fire Insurance Company for $4,000. The house, an inferior one, burned down, and the Dutchman went to President Wolcott to get his money.

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But," said Mr. Wolcott, "your house is not worth $4,000. We will build you another and a better house," and the company did so.

The next week one of the agents of the New York Mutual