would press people to do what was impossible; or thought that I was not like any one else, for I could not believe. Here my carnal heart again began to find fault, that I was required to do what I could not; and therefore must be lost and could not help it. But my rebellious murmuring was silenced with a thought of who it was I was thus censuring; and I began to wonder he did not strike me dead, and send me to dwell among the wicked spirits in hell, which I often thought must finally be my place. But now that passage in the 9th of Romans came again to my mind, in quite a different way from what I took it up before-It is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth, but of God that showeth mercy,' was now my only encouragement. For if it was for any goodness or merit in the creature, I of all mankind must, it seemed to me, for ever despair; for I could deserve no favor from the Lord. But if he did it for his own mercy's sake, who could tell but I might yet experience his power to save me? and therefore I again resolved I would try to wait in the use of means, and not give over until he might please to reveal the way of salvation to me, a lost creature.

"I now took much care to get spiritual instruction, tried to remember the sermons I heard, wrote down the texts, and what I could retain of them; but still found myself awfully stupid, and felt all to be a task and burdensome; yet I thought I must wait until the Spirit of the Lord would come powerfully, and then would be my time to strive. My apprenticeship was now expiring, and the man with whom I learned my trade, through improper conduct, had become bankrupt. I had a new place to seek, and the kind notice of Providence surprised me. I had friends raised up beyond my expectation. My master's brother presented me with a complete good suit of clothes; a place was provided for me to earn my living; I was favored with health and plenty of business, and could work well. I wondered that the Lord should regard my mean concerns, and show me any favor; and as he had taken care of my temporal concerns, I thought it was an encouragement for me to cast my soul's concerns upon him. But my wicked unbelieving heart would

not go to that kind and gracious Father, who was manifesting his tender pity for such a poor wretch as I was. Instead of this, my unbelief still increased, and the abominable corruptions of my vile, sinful nature, seemed as if they would overpower all my resolutions to do any thing that was good. I confined myself to attend on the means of grace in public, and also attended society meetings, but found no pleasure in them; but awful hardness of heart, and vile thoughts, would continually possess me. I thought there never was so hardened and yet stupid creature, as I was, which made me conclude the Lord had given me up; that I had so grieved the Holy Spirit that he would no longer strive with me; and that I had sinned the unpardonable sin, and there could be no mercy for me. Now I ceased to pray, for I believed that the Lord would strike me dead, if I dared to call upon him. I therefore looked for his judgments to follow me; and hardly dared to close my eyes in sleep, fearing I should awake in hell. I would dream I was there blaspheming, and awake in horror, but dared not ask to be saved from it: and now, as I feared I should become a scandal to my parents and family, I resolved to keep alone, or to go to places of worship only to keep out of the way of temptation; not daring to hope ever to have a word of encouragement spoken to me again. But I worked hard at my trade, to divert my mind, which I found was my best way. I said little to any one, and told no one of my dismal fears and horrors. I did once ask my father what he believed the unpardonable sin to be, without telling him my apprehension of my having committed it; and his explanation seemed to confirm my belief that it was really my case. I still went to places of worship, and when any encouragement was presented to distressed souls, I would think there now, I might have some relief, if I had not sinned that sin, which is unto death, and cannot be forgiven. But one sabbath evening, going to the Baptist meeting, a stranger of the name of Sutton preached, and remarked that some were tempted to believe that they had sinned the unpardonable sin, and were greatly distressed about it; which he declared was an evidence that it was not their case, or they would be

hardened and careless. This coming from one who I believed knew nothing about me, I did believe the Lord had directed it for me, and it greatly relieved my mind. I then resolved I would again betake myself to prayer, and if I perished, it should be at the throne of grace with the publican, crying as he did for mercy, and I was enabled to continue so to do, until at last, when just sinking, I was relieved; which was in the following way:

But

"I frequently had a word of encouragement in sermons from my precious friend Dr. Sproat, and from dear Mr. Robert Smith of Pequea, who pointed out my convictions to be those of the Spirit of the Lord, which were commonly followed with manifestations of divine favor: also from several pious people, with whom I had now become acquainted, who were much interested in my case, and were, I believe, much engaged in prayer for me. still my mind was overpowered with unbelief, until one sabbath morning, about the break of day. I was then thinking about my miserable state of soul-guilty, filthy, wretched, and helpless, and that a Saviour was appointed, and Jesus was inviting me to come to him, and if I did, I should obtain relief. I found the hindrance was in my. self, and that none but the Lord could remove it. I then fell on my knees, crying to him to undertake for me. tried to present all my wants to him, and besought him that whatever it was that hindered my closing with Jesus, he would remove it out of the way; and that he would be pleased to work true faith in me, that I might believe. And while I was thus pouring out my heart to the Lord for his grace, that blessed counsel of the precious Saviour was powerfully impressed on my mind, contained in the third chapter of the Revelations and 18th verse-'I counsel thee to buy of me gold tried in the fire that thou mayest be rich, and white raiment that thou mayest be clothed, and that the shame of thy nakedness do not appear; and anoint thine eyes with eye-salve that thou mayest see. Now a perfect suitableness appeared in this blessed provision to answer all my wants; for I knew I was truly poor, and deep in debt to divine justice, and had nothing of my own to pay. But the white raiment was what I stood in particular need of, for I had often

been filled with horror at the thought of appearing a guilty, vile, filthy spirit, before the bar of a holy and just God; but if arrayed in this glorious white raiment I might appear there to divine acceptance, and all my filthy garments be cast away. The enlightening of the mind with this eye-salve of the Holy Spirit, was what I was likewise deeply sensible I greatly needed; so that before I was aware of a change in my mind, my soul cried out-O Lord! I accept this gracious counsel, and do bless thee for it. My heart was filled with comfort, and I could now call the Lord my dear father, and felt my very soul going out to him in love, whom before I had so much dreaded as my awful judge. I know not that any creature heard me, in all or any of my private exercises, or how long I continued in this; but when I came down to my father's family, with whom I then boarded, my father saw such a change in my countenance, that he directly desired me to lead in family worship, which I felt a willingness to do. But I did not mention any thing to any one of my joy, but went to meeting with great pleasure; when Mr. Caldwell, from Elizabethtown, preached from the 73d Psalm, first part of the 28th verse-' But it is good for me to draw nigh to God.' He showed that no one could draw nigh to God, in the sense of that text, without having experienced a change of heart, and a true heart-love to him; and then described how the soul was delighted with a sense of his gracious presence and fatherly love; and how it could call him my Father. I was fully satisfied that such had been the exercise of my soul that happy morning, and therefore did relate to my father what had passed in my mind. He then went with me to see Mr. Sproat, and desired me to relate the same to him, which I did, at their request. He inquired if I thought the Lord had shown me this favor for any goodness of my own; which I. protested I did not, but only of his pure, undeserved mercy. He then encouraged me to believe it was a work of divine grace, and now invited me to join in the communion of the church, which I never dared to do before, although often desired to do it. "But my first comfort was of short duration. I soon began to fear I was deceiving myself with false hopes;

and that it had been but a mere imagination of my own. Here I was much cast down, and feared I never should have a solid hope: and the loss of that comfort I had enjoyed for the short time I felt it, left upon me for a few days a most distressing sensation. I told my friends my distress, but could find no relief. I tried to pray that the Lord would satisfy me whether it was his work or not; and the cry of my heart was constantly through the dayO for faith! O for faith! when I did again experience a sweet confirmation that it was the Lord's work, and that he would bless me; and from time to time I had similar changes. I was very attentive to secret duty, and rose every morning before day, to read and pray alone, before I went to my work. At this time the Methodists came, and held worship before day, and in the evening. I often attended both seasons, and was pleased to have so many opportunities. But one evening the minister spoke against the doctrine of the saints' perseverance, from those words in the 10th chapter of 1st Corinthians, 4th and 5th verses, And did all drink the same spiritual drink, for they drank of that spiritual rock that followed them, and that rock was Christ: but with many of them God was not well pleased, for they were overthrown in the wilderness.' From which he undertook to prove, that a person might be united to the Saviour and partake of his grace, and yet after this finally fall away. I thought there appeared great reason from his text, and what he said upon it, to fear it might be so; and therefore I was greatly discouraged, for I knew what a poor helpless creature I was, and my enemies were too powerful for me to withstand, if left to myself. I lodged at my father's, and went home distressed; his family Bible was on the table; I immediately opened it, and the first passage I saw was the eighth chapter of Paul's Epistle to the Hebrews, at the 9th verse- Not according to the covenant that I made with their fathers, in the day when I took them by the hand to lead them out of the land of Egypt, because they continued not in my covenant, and I regarded them not, saith the Lord: For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel, after those days, saith the Lord; I will put my laws into their mind, and write them in