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That teach one to deny oneself,
Stood unmolested on the shelf.
An untouched Bible graced her toilet:
No fear that thumb of hers should spoil it.
In short, the trade was still the same;
The dame went out, the colonel came.
What's to be done? poor Carvel cried:
Another battery must be tried:
What if to spells I had recourse,
'Tis but to hinder something worse!
The end must justify the means:
He only sins who ill intends:
Since therefore 'tis to combat evil,
'Tis lawful to employ the devil.
Forthwith the devil did appear
(For name him, and he's always near),
Not in the shape in which he plies
At miss's elbow when she lies;
Or stands before the nursery doors,
To take the naughty boy that roars:
But, without saucer-eye or claw,
Like a grave barrister at law.
Hans Carvel, lay aside your grief,
The devil says; I bring relief.
Relief, says Hans, pray let me crave
Your name, Sir-Satan—Sir, your slave!
I did not look upon your feet;
You'll pardon me: Ay, now I see 't:
And pray, Sir, when came you from hell;
Our friends there, did you leave them well!
All well; but pr’ythee, honest Hans,
(Says Satan) leave your complaisance:
The truth is this; I cannot stay
Flaring in sunshine all the day;
For, entre mous, we hellish sprites 91
Love more the fresco of the nights;
And oftener our receipts convey
In dreams, than any other way.
I tell you therefore as a friend,
Ere morning dawns, your fears shall end.
Go then this evening, master Carvel,
Lay down your fowls, and broach your barrel;
Let friends and wine dissolve your care;
Whilst I the great receipt prepare:— 100
To-night I'll bring it, by my faith;
Believe for once what Satan saith.
Away went Hans: glad? not a little;
Obeyed the devil to a tittle;
Invited friends some half a dozen,
The colonel and my lady's cousin.
The meat was served, the bowls were crowned,
Catches were sung, and healths went round;
Barbadoes waters for the close;
Till Hans had fairly got his dose. 110
The colonel toasted to the best;
The dame moved off to be undressed;
The chimes went twelve; the guests withdrew:
But when, or how, Hans hardly knew.
Some modern anecdotes aver,
He nodded in his elbow chair;
From thence was carried off to bed:
John held his heels, and Nan his head.
My lady was disturbed, new sorrow!
Which Hans must answer for to-morrow. 120
In bed then view this happy pair;
And think how Hymen triumphed there.
Hans fast asleep as soon as laid,
The duty of the night unpaid;
Cupid was with him of the party, 7
And showed himself sincere and hearty;
For, give that whipster but his errand,
He takes my Lord Chief Justice' warrant;
Dauntless as death away he walks,
Breaks the doors open, snaps the locks;
Searches the parlour, chamber, study;
Nor stops till he has culprit's body.
Since this has been authentic truth,
By age delivered down to youth;
Tell us, mistaken husband, tell us,
Why so mysterious, why so jealous;
Does the restraint, the bolt, the bar
Make us less curious, her less fair? 20
The spy, which does this treasure keep,
Does she ne'er say her prayers, nor sleep;
Does she to no excess incline;
Does she fly music, mirth, and wine;
Or have not gold and flattery power
To purchase one unguarded hour?
Your care does farther yet extend;
That spy is guarded by your friend.—
But has this friend nor eye, nor heart;
May he not feel the cruel dart 30
Which, soon or late, all mortals feel;
May he not, with too tender zeal,
Give the fair prisoner cause to see,
IIow much he wishes she were free?
May he not craftily infer
The rules of friendship too severe,
Which chain him to a hated trust;
Which make him wretched, to be just?
And may not she, this darling she,
Youthful and healthy, flesh and blood, 40
Easy with him, ill used by thee, - 41
Allow this logic to be good?
Sir, will your questions never end?
I trust to neither spy nor friend.
In short, I keep her from the sight
Of every human face.—She’ll write.
From pen and paper she's debarred.
Has she a bodkin and a card?
She’ll prick her mind.—She will, you say:
But how shall she that mind convey? 50
I keep her in one room: I lock it:
The key (look here) is in this pocket.
The key-hole, is that left? most certain,
She'll thrust her letter through—Sir Martin.
Dear angry friend, what must be done?
Is there no way? there is but one;
Send her abroad, and let her see,
That all this mingled mass, which she,
Being forbidden, longs to know,
Is a dull farce, an empty show, 60
Powder, and pocket-glass, and beau;
A staple of romance and lies,
False tears, and real perjuries:
Where sighs and looks are bought and sold,
And love is made but to be told;
Where the fat bawd, and lavish heir
The spoils of ruined beauty share;
And youth, seduced from friends and fame,
Must give up age to want and shame.
Let her behold the frantic scene, 70
The women wretched, false the men:
And when, these certain ills to shun,
She would to thy embraces run,
Receive her with extended arms;
Seem more delighted with her charms;
Wait on her to the park and play;
Put on good humour; make her gay: .
Be to her virtues very kind;
Be to her faults a little blind;
Let all her ways be unconfined;
And clap your padlock—on her mind.
HANS CARVEL, impotent and old,
Married a lass of London mould:
Handsome enough, extremely gay;
Loved music, company, and play.
High flights she had, and wit at will;
And so her tongue lay seldom still;
For in all visits who but she,
To argue, or to repartee?
She made it plain, that human passion
Was ordered by predestination;
That if weak women went astray,
Their stars were more in fault than they;
Whole tragedies she had by heart;
Entered into Roxana's part:
To triumph in her rival's blood,
The action certainly was good.
How like a vine young Ammon curled !
Oh that dear conqueror of the world!
She pitied Betterton in age,
That ridiculed the god-like rage.
She, first of all the town, was told,
Where newest India things were sold,
So in a morning, without boddice,
Slipt sometimes out to Mrs Thody's;