As their example still prevails,
She tempts the stream, or leaps the pales.
He then, quoth Dick, who by your
Thinks for himself, becomes a fool;
As party man, who leaves the rest,
Is called but whimsical at best.
Now, by your favour, master Mat,
Like Ralpho, here I smell a rat.
I must be listed in your sect,
Who, though they teach not, can protect.
Right, Richard, Mat in triumph cried,
So put off all mistrust and pride.
And, while my principles I beg,
Pray answer only with your leg.
Believe what friendly I advise;
Be first secure, and then be wise.
The man within the coach that sits,
And to another's skill submits,
Is safer much (whate'er arrives)
And warmer too than he that drives.
So Dick adept, tuck back thy hair;
And I will pour into thy ear
Remarks which none did e'er disclose,
In smooth-faced verse, or hobbling prose.
Attend, dear Dick, but don't reply;
And thou mayst prove as wise as I.
When Alma now, in different ages,
Has finished her ascending stages;
Into the head at length she gets,
And there in public grandeur sits,
To judge of things, and censure wits.
Here, Richard, how could I explain
The various labyrinths of the brain;
Surprise my readers whilst I tell them
Of cerebrum and cerebellum!
How could I play the commentator
On dura and on pia mater!
Where hot and cold, and dry and wet,
Strive each the other's place to get;
And with incessant toil and strife,
Would keep possession during life.
I could demonstrate every pore,
Where memory lays up all her store;
And to an inch compute the station
"Twixt judgment and imagination.
O friend! I could display much learning,
At least to men of small discerning.
The brain contains ten thousand cells;
In each some active fancy dwells;
Which always is at work, and framing
The several follies I was naming.
As in a hive's vimineous dome
Ten thousand bees enjoy their home,
Each does her studious actions vary,
Το
go and come, to fetch and carry;
Each still renews her little labour,
Nor justles her assiduous neighbour;
Each, whilst this thesis I maintain,
I fancy, Dick, I know thy brain.
O, with the mighty theme affected,
Could I but see thy head dissected!
My head! quoth Dick, to serve your whim! Spare that, and take some other limb.
your nice affairs of system,
Wise men propose; but fools assist them.
Says Matthew: Richard, keep thy head,
And hold thy peace; and I'll proceed.
Proceed! quoth Dick: Sir, I aver,
You have already gone too far.
When people once are in the wrong,
Each line they add is much too long;
Who fastest walks, but walks astray,
Is only furthest from his way.
Bless your conceits! must I believe,
Howe'er absurd, what you conceive:
And, for your friendship, live and die
A papist in philosophy!
say, whatever you maintain
Of Alma in the heart or brain:
The plainest man alive may tell ye,
Her seat of empire is the belly;
From hence she sends out those supplies,
Which make us either stout or wise;
The strength of every other member
Is founded on your belly-timber:
The qualms or raptures of your blood
Rise in proportion to your food;
And if you would improve your thought,
You must be fed as well as taught.
Your stomach makes your fabric roll,
Just as the bias rules the bowl.
That great Achilles might employ
The strength designed to ruin Troy,
He dined on lion's marrow, spread
On toasts of ammunition-bread:
But, by his mother sent away,
Amongst the Thracian girls to play,
Effeminate he sat, and quiet;
Strange product of a cheese-cake diet!
Now give my argument fair play,
And take the thing the other way.
The youngster, who at nine and three
Drinks with his sisters milk and tea,
From breakfast reads till twelve o'clock,
Burnet and Heylin, Hobbes and Locke;
He pays due visits after noon
To cousin Alice and uncle John;
At ten from coffee-house or play
Returning, finishes the day.
But, give him port and potent sack,
From milksop he starts up mohawk;
Holds that the happy know no hours;
So through the street at midnight scours,
Breaks watchmen's heads, and chairmen's glasses,
And thence proceeds to nicking sashes;
Till, by some tougher hand o'ercome,
And first knocked down, and then led home,
He damns the footman, strikes the maid,
And decently reels up to bed.
Observe the various operations
Of food and drink in several nations.
Was ever Tartar fierce or cruel
Upon the strength of water-gruel;
But who shall stand his rage and force,
If first he rides, then eats his horse!
Salads, and eggs, and lighter fare,
Tune the Italian spark's guitar.
And, if I take Dan Congreve right,
Pudding and beef make Britons fight.
Tokay and coffee cause this work
Between the German and the Turk;
And both, as they provisions want,
Chicane avoid, retire and faint.
Hunger and thirst, or guns and swords,
Give the same death in different words.
To push this argument no further;
To starve a man, in law is murther.
As in a watch's fine machine,
Though many artful springs are seen,
The added movements which declare
How full the moon, how old the year,
Derive their secondary power
From that which simply points the hour.
For, though those gimcracks were away,
(Quare would not swear, but Quare would say)
However more reduced and plain,
The watch would still a watch remain;
But, if the horal orbit ceases,
The whole stands still, or breaks to pieces;
Is now no longer what it was,
And you may even go sell the case.
So, if unprejudiced you scan
The goings of this clock-work, man,
You find a hundred movements made
By fine devices in his head;
But 'tis the stomach's solid stroke
That tells his being, what's o'clock.
If you take off this rhetoric-trigger,
He talks no more in mode and figure;
Or, clog his mathematic wheel,
His buildings fall, his ship stands still;
Or, lastly, break his politic-weight,
His voice no longer rules the state.
Yet, if these finer whims were gone,
Your clock, though plain, would still go on,
But spoil the engine of digestion,
And you entirely change the question.
Alma's affairs no power can mend,
The jest, alas! is at an end;
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