owers. It was 9 o'clock. We wished to go to bed, and the only bed we had discovered was in the parlor. The old gentleman divined our wishes, and said, I'm sorry, gentlemen; but this is one of the regular courtin' nights. Them two fellers in the parlor never leave afore midnight, and Dan 'll be here at ten o'clock. In reply to further questioning, the old gentleman said: "Friday nights it's purty bad, but Sundays it's wuss. Last Sunday night there was ten on 'em; and the girl is getting more and more partic'lar.' Seeing no other resource, the writer betook himself to a haystack, the old man remarking, Yes, gentlemen, courtin's hot in Nebrasky." THE ASS AND THE FLUTE. You must know that this ditty, Arose from mere chance. Near a certain inclosure, Not far from my manse, An ass, with composure, Was passing by chance. As he went along prying, He found there by chance. Our amateur started, And eyed it askance, Drew nearer, and snorted Upon it by chance. The breath of the brute, sir, And blew it by chance. "Ah!" cried he, in wonder, How comes this to pass? Who will now dare to slander The skill of an ass?" And asses in plenty Who, one time in twenty, TOMAS DE YRIARTE, 1750-1791. A SMART AGENT. 'SIR," said a tall, thin man, clad in worn, very shining garb, suddenly appearing in the room, "I have ventured to call to lay before you one of the most astonishing inventions of modern times.” They all begin in some such impressive way as that. A gas-burner, sir." I was busy arranging some papers in a corner, and having both hands full, with a pen held crossways in my mouth, I was for the moment quite at his mercy. "Perhaps, sir, you are aware, that in the case of every kind of burner but this I now show you, gas gives off a most noxious effluvium, having a peculiarly ruinous effect upon the eyesight." By this time I had emptied my hands and mouth, and was advancing upon him. Fixing his eyes upon mine, he started back in distressful horror. Heaven help us, sir," he exclaimed, how you have suffered already! Your sight, sir, would not last six months longer. This must not be." Before I could say a word, or lift a finger to stop him, he rapidly glided past me to the table on which the lamp stood. With a nimbleness which rooted me to the spot in apprehension, he whipped off the shade, and then the old burner. In a moment the lamp was a ruin. "It's a mercy of Providence, sir, that I happened to call." "Stop!" I called. "Replace everything as it was, instantly." "The number of cases of premature blindness," he calmly proceeded, "that I have had the gratification of preventing makes my labor a most pleasant one." Thinking he might be deaf, I bawled, "I don't want your burner; I won't have it; take it off." For he was lightly twirling the new one in its place. There, sir, you will feel thankful to me as long as you live! The only thing that troubles me in the matter is, I know I am ruining the spectacle makers." "Do you hear?" I asked. "I shall not pay you for it." He struck a very effective attitude. "Payment! Of what consequence is that? I could not remove that inestimable burner for any amount of money, when the alternative is the ruin of your valuable eyesight. For, sir, your eyes are worth many burners. I make you a present of it willingly. I am a poor man, under heavy travelling expenses, and I have a family in want. He sighed. "But duty shall be done. The price is threepence half-penny, or three shillings a dozen. I know you will regret this momentary harshness in long years to come, when you are enjoying the benefits of that burner. But that is not my affair, though I am sorry to think of it. Good morning, sir. If at any time, no matter how long an interval, by some inconceivable accident anything should become out of order in it, you will find the name of the manufacturers stamped on the inside. Be good enough to drop a line to their well-known house at Glasgow, and a man will instantly be sent to attend to it." I was beaten. This offer to send a man from Scotland into the heart of England, after the lapse of years, to put a gratuitously bestowed threepence half-penny gas-burner to rights, was too much for me. I had to make a purchase.-Chambers' Journal. CARRYING OUT THE JOKE. bring him over here. And you come back with him and bring all the dirty clothes you have." They departed and soon returned with the guilty veteran, and a huge armful of dirty shirts and socks, etc. The General to Šmith: "Did you send this young man here to have his clothes washed?" "Yes, sir, for a joke." "For a joke! Well, we'll have the joke carried out. We do have clothes washed here sometimes. Corporal, take this man, Smith, and that bundle of clothes down to the creek, and have him wash them, fold them up neatly, and return them to the owner! See that he does the job up handsomely!" The veteran went away to his work sorrowfully, and the General resumed his walk. BE NOT A WIT. O FATHER, says Dick, could you taste the de- That myself and companions enjoy at nights, The retorts and the puns, the lampoons and The rhymes, repetitions, the songs, and the catches, The whims and the flirts, and the smart witty touches, That over the flask we most lovingly vent, You would think a whole night most gloriously spent; And would guess by our wit, and the course We could all be no less than the sons of Ah! Dick, says the father, take care, I entreat ye, Thoud'st better be hang'd of the two than be witty; WHILE we were lying in camp at Rossville, Georgia, writes a correspondent, the Sixtieth Illinois returned from their furlough with a number of recruits. One of these having exhausted his supply of clean shirts, and not having learned to be his own laundress, asked a veteran where he could get some washing done. "Do you see those tents there by the church? Well, go there and ask for Mr. Morgan; he does washing. He's a crusty old cur, but if you talk pretty nice to him he'll do it for you "The recruit went as directed, and found General Morgan walking in front of his tent, dressed as was his custom, in the uniform of a high private. "Where will I find Mr. Morgan?" asked the recruit. "My name is Morgan. What will you have?" "I came to see if I could get some clothes washed." "H-m-m. Who sent you here to get your clothes washed?" "John Smith, over here in the Sixth." Corporal of the guard!" (The corporal approached and saluted.) Young man, go with the corporal, and Thy drink, porter's guzzle much oftener than show him John Smith, so that he can For if To 've thou 'rt once thought, by thy studies and labors, acquired more wit than the rest of thy neighbors, Thou 'lt be sneer'd at by fools, and be fear'd by thy betters, And hunted about by rogues, bailiffs, and setters. Thy lodging must be in some nine-penny garret, claret; PLACING THE PUDDING. HERE is an old story of a Yankee captain and his mate: Whenever there was a plum pudding made, by the captain's orders all of the plums were put into one end of it, and that end placed next to the captain, who, after helping himself, passed it to the mate, who never found any plums in his part of it. Well, after this game had been played for some time, the mate prevailed on the steward to place the end which had no plums in it next to the cap tain. The captain no sooner saw the pudding than he discovered that he had the wrong end of it. Picking up the dish, and turning it in his hands as if merely examining the china, he said, "This dish cost me two shillings in Liverpool," and put it down again, as though without design, with the plum end next to him self. "Is it possible?" said the mate, taking up the dish, "I should n't suppose it was worth more than a shilling," and, as if in perfect innocence, he put down the dish with the plum end next to himself. The captain looked at the mate, the mate looked at the captain. The captain laughed, the mate laughed. "I tell you what, young one," said the captain, "you've found me out, so we'll just cut the pudding lengthwise this time." "Do you put in much capital?' "No; but I puts in de experience.' ""Yes, dot is it. We goes into pizness for dree year; he puts in de gabital, I puts in de experience. At the end of de will have de experience!'' dree year I will have de gabital, and he ANECDOTE OF JEROME BONA PARTE. JEROME BONAPARTE, before he arrived at kingly dignity, led an easy, pleasant life at Paris, frequenting the public spectacles in company with a few young men, chiefly literati, as gay and careless as himself. The evening that his brother had announced to him his intention of making him king of Westphalia, he went to the Vaudeville, and there encountered M. C and M. P. L, two of his wild companions. "My friends," he said, "I am charmed at this meeting. Do you know I am named king of Westphalia ?" "It is not yet public, sire," replied C- "but we are most happy in being the first to pay our respects.' "Nonsense! Let there be no such ceremonies between us," interrupted the new king: "if I was at my court, all very well; but here it is ridiculous. We will have the same frankness and gaiety as in time past, so let us sup together." Jerome then led the way to one of the first restaurateurs in the Palais Royal, | carried the party before monsieur le comwhere they had a supper truly fit for a missaire. He, recognizing the imperial king. My friends," said Jerome, we will never part again. I will take you with me to my new kingdom. C, thou shalt have the post of private secretary to my majesty; and as for thee, P, thou hast a decided taste for literature, and shalt therefore be my royal librarian." The proposition was accepted and ratified over a glass of sparkling champagne. The night wore away, and the time came for these convivial companions to finish their carouse. The bill was required. Jerome took out his purse, but the royal treasure of Westphalia not being yet organized, he found but two Louis therein, which was not sufficient to satisfy a demand of one hundred francs. The new-made dignitaries combined their funds, but alas, they did not amount to half a crown. What was to be done? They decided on seeing the master of the house, and on informing him of the defective state of their finances. He took the matter very courteously, but as they were totally unknown to him, demanded their names. "As for me," said P- "I am private secretary to the king of Wesphalia." "And I," continued the other wit, am librarian to the same monarch." arms, ran to the prefect of the police, the prefect ran to the minister of the home department, and the minister to the em peror. Next morning there appeared an ordinance in the Moniteur, announcing the immediate departure of the king of Westphalia to his government, and that he was neither to bestow post nor place in his kingdom till he had arrived at his capital. me. If Very solemnly they approached the gentleman. "Sir," said the artist, "I am an inspector of the Board of Health. I ask for coffee they will give me, without doubt, a very good cup for they know are served like the rest of the world. Will You, sir, whom they do not know, you permit me to taste your coffee? the "And this rascal, who sits grinning "This is really good. The government Certainly," said gentleman. there," said he, turning in a rage to Je- has great care over the people. rome, "is, I suppose, the king of West-police cannot be too watchful over the phalia himself?" public health." Now the host had never heard of such a potentate, and it went beyond his patience for people to run in his debt, and laugh at him to his face. "You have guessed right enough," said Jerome, "for I am the king of Westphalia." "Ah! ah! Messieurs, this is a little too bad, and we will see if you will have the imprudence to mock the commissaire in this manner." "Be so kind as not to make any bustle about this affair," said Jerome, "and if you do not like to trust me, I will leave my watch as a pledge." He then put into the hands of the restaurateur his magnificent watch, at the back of which was his cipher in diamonds. The restaurateur, as soon as he had examined the watch, doubted not for an instant that it had been stolen, and The The artist drank the coffee, and having finished it, said, politely: "They do cellent coffee." He bowed, and left the things properly at this café; this is exgentleman to pay for the coffee he had not had, but profoundly grateful for the care of the government. A GENTLEMAN while making a speech, inadvertently stepping forward, fell off the platform. In response to the peals of laughter that greeted his unlucky fall, he claimed that any speaker had a right to come down to the level of his audience. He saw a turnkey in a trice Fetter a troublesome jade! gave him "What kind of a job?" inquired the wag. Oh! a'most anything. I want to get a kind of a genteel job; I am tired o' farmin', an' kin turn my hand to almost anything." "Well, we want a man,—a good, strong, healthy man,- -as a sample clerk." 1One evening, at the house of the late Dr. Vincent Prof. Porson, being cut out at a whist table, was abont to take his leave. Mrs. Vincent pressed him to stay, saying, "I know you will not stay if you are doing nothing but the rubber will soon be over, when you "Ah! nimble," quoth he, "do the fingers may go in; and, in the meantime, take a pen and ink move When they are used to their trade." He saw the same turnkey unfetter the same, But with little expedition; And the Devil thought on the long debates On the Slave Trade Abolition. at another table, and write us some verses." Dr. Vincent, in the midst of the game, seconded this request and added, "I will give a subject. You see what we are doing, and you shall tell us what obshall suppose that the Devil is come up among us to servations he makes." Porson obeyed these injunctions, and this amusing jeu d'esprit was the result. The Devil's Walk," with additions, has been claimed also for Coleridge and Southey. |