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* As vapours when the sun appears,

Some god, I say, inspir'd the knave, " Far hence anxieties and fears :

His master and himself to save. “ Grave ermine smiles, lawn fleeves grow gay,

As both went fupperless to bed " Each haughty monarch owns my (way,

One night (first scratching of his head) “ And cardinals and popes obey :

“ Alas!” quoth John, “ fir, 'tis hard fare " Ev’n Cato drank his glass, 'was I

“ To fuck one's thumbs, and live on air ; “ Taught the brave patriot how to die

" To reel from pillar unto post, " For injur'd Rome and liberiy;

“ An empty shade, a walking ghost ; “ 'Twas I who with immortal lays

a To hear one's guts make pitcous moan, Inspir’d the bard that sung his praise.

" Thole worst of duns, and yet not one, "Let dull unfociable fools

“ One mouldy scrape to satisfy " Loll in their cells, and live by rules;

“ Their craving importunity. My votaries, in gay delight

“ Nay-good your honour please to hear :". " And mirth, shall revel all the night;

(And then the varlet dropt a tear) " Ac well their parts on life's dull fage,

“ A project form'd in this dull brain, “ And make each moment worth an age."

“ Shall let us ali adrift again;

A project, fir, nay, let me tell ye,

“ Shall fill your pockets, and my belly.
“ Know then, old Gripe is dead of late,
“ Who purchas'd at any easy rate,

" Your manor house and fine estate. In those blest days of jubilee,

“ Nay, stare not, fir : by G-'tis true When pious Charles fet England free

" The devil for once has got his due : From canting and hypocrily;

" The rascal has lefe every penny, Molt graciously to all restoring

• To his old maiden lister Jenny: Their ancient privilege of whoring;

“ Go, clasp the dowdy in your arms, There liv’d, but 'tis no matter where,

" Nor want you bread, though the want charms: The fon of an old cavalier;

“ Cajole the dirty drab, and then Of ancient lineage was the 'squire,

“ The nian shall have his mare again; A man of mettle and of fire;

“ Clod-Hall is your's, your house, your rents, Clean-Tap'd, well-limb’d, black-ey'd, and tall,


“ And all your lands, and tenements.” Made a good figure at a ball,

“ Faith, John,” said he, (then lick'd his chops) And only wanted wherewithal.

S “ This project gives indeed some hopes : Hlis pension was ill-paid and strait,

" But curfed hard the terms, to marry, Full many a loyal hero's fate:

" To stick to one, and never vary; Often half starv'd, and often out

“ And that one old and ugly too : At elbow's, an hard cafe, no doubt.

“ Frail mortals tell me what to do?” Sometimes perhaps a lucky main

“ For that,” said John, “ trust me; my treat Prudently manag'd in Long-Lane

“ Shan't be one ill-dress'd dish of meat; Repair'd the thread-bare beau again ;

" Let but your honour be my guest, And now and then some secret favours,

“ Variety thall crown the feast." The kind returns of pious labours,

'Tis done,” reply'd Tom Wild, “ 'tis done, Enrich'd the strong and vigorous lover,

“ The flag hangs out, the fort is won; His honour liv'd a while in clover.

“ Ne'er doubt my vigorous attacks, l'or (to say truth) it is but just,

“ Come to my arms, my * Sycorax; Where all things are decay'd but lust,

“ Bold in thy right we mount our throne, Zhat ladies of aiaturer ages

" And all the island is our own.” Give citron water and good wages.

Well-forth they rode, both squire and Thus far Tom Wild had made a shift,

John; And got good helps at a dead lift;

Here might a florid bard make known, Bat John, his humble meagre llave,

His horse's virtucs, and his own; One foot already in the grave,

A thousand prodigies advance, lide-bound as one of Pharoah's kine,

Retailing every circumstance. Vith good Duke Numps was forc'd to dine: But I, who am not over-nice, et ftill the thoughtful serious elf

And always love to be concise, Vould not be wanting to himself;

Shall let the courteous reader guess ore up against both tide and wind,


The squire's accoutrements and dress. Curo'd every project in his mind,

Suppose we then the gentle youth nd each expedient weigh’d, to find S Laid at her feet, all love, all truth; - remedy in this distrels.

Haranguing it in verse and prote, ome god-(nay, fir, suppose no less,

A mount her forehead white with snows, or in this hard and knotty case,

Her checks the lily and the rose; ’employ a god is no disgrace ; hough Mercury bc fent from Jove,

* See Dryden's Tempeft, altered from Shala - Iris wing is from above)



Sue was a fals buson and tight,

Her ivory teeth, her coral lips,

“ Why will you keep one in Suspense? H's well-turn'd cars, whole ruby tips

Why teaze one thus ?"-" Have patience. Afford a thousand complimerts,

“ The youth has failings, there's no doubt, Which he, fond youth, prof:sely vents :

“ And who, my Suky, is without ? The pretty dimple in her chin,

“ But hould you tell-nay that I dread"The den of love, who lurks within.

By heaven, and by my maidenheadBut, oh! the lustre of her eyes,

“ Now speak, speak quick.”—“ He who denies Nor stars, nor moon, nor sun suffice,

“ Those pouting lips, those roguish eyes, He vows, protests, raves, sinks, and dies.

“ Must sure be more than man-then know, Much of her breasts he spoke, and hair,

“ My deareft, since you'll have it so; In terms most elegant and rare ;

“ My master Wild not only talks Calld her the goddess he ador'd,

“ Much in his feep, but also walks ; And in heroic fuftian foar'd,

“Walks many a winter night alone, For, though the youth could well explain

“ This way and that, up stairs and down : His mind in a more humble ftrain;

« Now, if disturb'd, if by surprise Yet Ovid and the wits agree,


« He's rous'd, and numbers quit his eyes; 'That a true lover's Speech fhould be

« Lord, how I tremble! how I dread

Ś In rapture and in finaile.

“ To speak it! Thrice beneath the bed, Imagine now, all points put right,

las ! to save my life I fled : The fiddles and the wedding night;

And twice behind the door I crept, Each noisy steeple rock'd with glee,

" And once out of the window leapt. And every bard fung merrily :

“ No raging bedlam just got loose Gay pleasure wanton'd unconfin'd,

“ Is half fo mad; about the house Timon all drunk, the women kind :

“ Frantic he runs: each eye-ball glares, Clod-Hall did ne'er fo fine appear,

“ He raves, he foams, he wildly flares; Iloating in posset and strong beer.

“ The family before him flies, Come, mule, thou flattern house-wise, tell, " Whoc'er is overtaken dies. Where's our friend John? I hope he's well; Opiates, and breathing of a vein, Well! Ay, as any nian can be,

“ Scarce settle his diftemper'd brain, .

“ And bring him to himself again.

“ But, if not cross'd, if let alone The chamber maid and favourite;

“ To take his frolic, and be gone; Juicy and young, just fit for man,

“ Soon he returns from whence he came, Thus the sweet dialogue began.

“ No lamb more innocent and tame." Lard, fir," quoth Sue,“ how brikk, how Thus having gain'd her point, to bed gay,

In hafte the flickering gipsy ficd; How spruce our master look'd to-day!

The pungent fucret in her breast " I'm sure no king was c'er to finc,

Gave such sharp pangs, she could not reft: “ No sun more gloriously can fhinc."

Prim'd, charg'd, and cock'd, her next desire “ Alas, my dear, all is not gold

Was to present, and to give fire. " That glitters, as I've read of old,

Sleepless the tortur’d Sulan lay, " And all the wise and learned lay,

Tofling and rumbling every way, " The best is not without allay."

Imparient for the dawn of day. “ Well, maller John, name if you can

So labcu.s in the facred shade, “ A more accomplish'd gentleman.

Full of the god, the Delphic naid: “ Befide (elfe niay I never thrive)

So wind, in hypocondrics pent, " The best good-natur’d 'squire alive."

Struggles and heaves to find a vent; (John shrugg'd, and shook his head. “ Nay sure In labyrinths intricate it roars, “ You by your locking so denure

Now downward finks, then upward soars ; “ Have learnt some secret fault: if so,

Th' uneasy patient groans in vain, “ Tul me, good John, nay pr’ythee do,

No cordials can relieve his pain; " Tell me, I say, I long to know.

STill at the postern gate, enlarg'd, " Safe as thy gold in thy strong box,

The bursting thunder is discharg'd. " This breast the dark deposit locks,

At last the happy hour was come, " These lips no secrets shall reveal."

When call'd into her lady's room; “ Well- let me first aiti, my seal:

Scarce three pins fvck into her gown, Then kind the soft obliging sair.

But out it belts, and all is known. " But hold---now I must hear you swear,

Nor idle long the secret lies, " By all youc virgin charms below,

From mouth to mouth improv'd it flies,
S No mortal i'er il.is tale mell linow."

And grows amain in strength and size :
She swore; then thus the cunning knave, For faine, at first of pigmy birth,
Tith lock ro? politie and grave,

Walks cautiouily on mother earth; Proceres: “ Why-fith and troth, dear Sue, But soon (as ar cient bards have faid) * This jewellas a f...w, 'tis true;

In clouds the giant hides her head, * Nly maes geleseus, and all that,

To council now the golhips went, "Not fault, but unfortunate."

Madam herself was president;

Th’ affair is banded pro and con,

Was non-resistance ever thought Much breath is spent, few conquests won.

By modern casuifts a fault? At length dame Hobb, to end the strife,

Were not her orders ftrict and plain? And madam Blouse the parfon's wife,

All struggling dangerous and vain? In this with one consent agree,

Well, down our younker trips again; That, since th' effect was lunacy

Much wishing, as he reel'd along, If wak'd, it were by niuch the best,

For some rich cordial warm and Itrong. Not to disturb him in the least :

In bed he quickly tumbled then, Ev'n let him ramble if he please ;

Nor wak'd next morn till after ten. Troth, 'tis a comical disease;

Thus night by night he led his life, The worst is to himself; when cold

Blefling all females but his wife; And shivering he returns, then fold

Much work upon his hands there lay, The vagrant in your arms; he'll rest

More bills were drawn than he could pay; With pleasure on your glowing breast.

No lawyer drudy'd so hard as he, Madam approv'd of this advice,

In Easter Term or Hillary : Issued her orders in a trice;

But lawyers labour for their fee: " That none henceforth prcsume to stir,

Here po fell-interet er gain, " Or thwart th' unhappy wanderer."

The pleasure balances the pain. John, when his master's knock he heard, So the great sultan walks among Soon in the dressing-room aspear’d,

His troop of lasses fair and youpg: Archly he look'd, and Nily leer’d.

So the town-bull in Opentide, " What game?" says Wild.

« Oh! never more, His lowing lovers by his file, " Pheasants and patridge in great store;

Revels at large in nature's right, " I wish your ammunition lait!”

Curb'd by no law, but appetite; And then reveal'd how all had past.

Frisking his tail, he roves at pleasure, Next thought it proper to explain

And knows no itint, and keeps no measure. His plot, and how he laid his train :

But now the ninth revolving moon “ The coast is clear, sir, go in peace,

(Alas! it came an age too soon; " No dragon guards the golden fleece."

Curse on each hasty flecting night!) Here, mure, let sable night advance,

Some odd discoveries brought to light. Describe her ita:e with elegance ;

Strange tympanies the women seize,
Around her dark pavilion spread

An epidemical disease;
The clouds; with poppies crown her head; Madam herself with these might pass
Note well her owls, and bats obscene;

For a clean-shap'd and taper lass.
Call her an Æthiopian queen;

'Twas vain to hide th' apparent load, Or, if you think 'twill mend my tale,

For hoops were not then à la mode; Cail her a widow with a veil;

Sue, being question'd, and hard press'l, Oi specters and hobgoblins tell,

Blubbering the naked truth confefsid: Or say 'twas midnight, 'tis as well.

“ Were not your orders most severe, Welchen-'twas midnight, as was said,

" That none should stop his nig!ıt-career? When Wild starts upright in his bed,

“ And who durft wake him? troth not l; Leaps out, and, without more ado,

“ I was not then prepar’d to die.” Takes in his room a turn or two;

“ Well Sue, said the, thou falt have grace, Opening the door, foon out he stalks,

• But then this night I take thy place, And to the next apartment walks ;

" Thou mine, my night clothes on thy head, Where on her back there lay poor Sue,

“ Sonn shall he leave thee safe in bed : Alas: friend John, the dreamt of you.

“ Lie still, and stir not on thy life, Vik'd with the noise, her master known,

“ Bue do the penance of a wile; By moonlight and his brocade gown,

“ Much pleasure bast thou had; at last Frighted the dares not scream, in bed

“ 'l'is proper for thy fins to fatt." r: finks, and down the pops her head;

This point agreed, to bed the went, 'he curtains gently drawn, he springs

And Sue crepe in, but ill-content: between the sheets, then clofely clings.

Soon as th' accuftoni'd hour was come, How, muse, relate what there he did:

The younker sally'd from his room, fold, impudence :-it must be hid!

To Sue's apartment whipt away, Te did-as any man would do

And like a lion siz'd his prey; such a cafe-did he not, Sue?

She clafp'd him in her longing arme, hen up into the garret flies,

Sharp-let, me feasted on his charms. "here Joan, and Dol, and Betty lies;

He did whate'er he could; but more leash of lasses all together,

Was yet to do, encore, criore ! nd in the dog-days-in hot weather;

Fain would he now clope, she cl:spt Fly, faith, 'twas hard-he did his beft,

Him fill, no bur e'er fuck fu falt. nd left to Providence the rest.

Al length the morn with envious light ontent the passive creatures lie,

Discover'd all : in what bud plight or who in duty could deny?

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Poor man, he lay! abash'd, for shame

Down drops the rake upon the spot, He could not speak, not ev’n one lame

And after him an earthen pot: Excuse was left. She, with a grace

Reeling he rose, and gaz'd around, That gave new beauties to her face;

And saw the crock lie on the ground; And with a kind obliging air

Surpris'd, amaz'd, at this odd fight, (Always fucccssful in the fair),

Trembling, he broke it in a fright; Thus foon reliev'd him from despair.

When, lo! at once came pouring forth “Ah! generous youth, pardon a fault,

Ingots, and pearls, and gems of worth. " No foolish jealousy has taught;

O’erjoy'd with fortune's kind bequeft, " "Tis your own crime, open as day,

He took the birds, but left the nett; " To your conviction paves the way.

And then, to spý what might ensue, « Oh! might this stratagem regain

Into a neighbouring wood withdrew; " Your love! let me not plead in vain;

Nor waited long. For soon he sees * Something to gratitude is due,

A tall black man sculk through the trees; " Have I not given all to you?"

He knew him by his fhuffing pace, Tom star'd, look'd pale, then in great hafte His thread-bare coat and hatchet face : Slipp'd on his gown; yet thus at last

And who the devil should it be, Spoke faintly, as amaz’d he stood,

But fan&ify'd Sir Timothy! * I will, my dear, be very good.”

His uncle by his mother's side,

His guardian, and his faithful guide. THE HAPPY DISAPPOINTMENT : This driveling knight, with pockets full,

And proud as any Great Mogul,

For his wife conduct had been made in days of yore, when belles and beaux

Director of the jobbing trade : Left masquerades and puppet-fhows,

And had most piously drawn in Deserted ombre and baflet,

Poor Ned and all his nearest kin. At Jonathan's to squeeze and sweat;

The greedy fools laid out their gold, When sprightly rakes forsook champaign,

And bought the very stock he fold; The play-house, and the merry main,

Thus the kind knave convey'd their pell, Good mother Wyburn and the rews,

By bocus pocus, to himself; To smoke with brokers, flink with Jews :

And, to secure the spoils he got, In fine, when all the world run mad

Form'a this contrivance of the pot. (A story not less true than fad);

Fiere every night, and every morn, Ned Smart, a virtuous youth, well known

Devout as any monk new fhorn, To all this chaíte and lober town,

The proftrate hypocrite implores Got every penny he could rally,

Just heaven to bless his hidden stores; To try his fortune in 'Change-Alley :

But, when he saw dear mammon flown, In halte to loll in coach and fix,

The plunder'd hive, the honey gone, Bought bulls and bears, play'd twenty tricks, No jilted bully, no bilk'd hack, Amongst his brother lunatics.

No thief when beadles flay his back, Transported at his first success,

No losing rook, no cartea whore, A thousand whims his fancy bless,

No failor when the billows roar, With scenes of future happiness.

S With such a grace e'er cursid and swore. How frail are all our joys below!

Then, as he por'd upon the ground, Mere dazzling meteors, flash and show!

And turo'd his haggard eyes around, Oh, fortune! false decitiul whore !

The halter at his feet he spy'd, Caught in thy trap with thousands more,

“ And is this all that's left?" he cry'd: He found his rhino unk and gone,

“ Am I thus paid for all my cares, Himself a bankrupt, and undone.

“ My lectures, repetitions, prayers? Ned could not well digest this change,

“ 'Tis well-there's fumething fav'd at least, Forc'd in the world at large to range;

“ Welcome, thou faithful, friendly guest; With Babel's monarch turn'd to graís,

“ If I must harig, now all is loit, Would it not break an heart of brass ?

'Tis cheaper at another's cost; 'Tis vain to sub and hang the lip;

" To do it at my own expence, One penny left, he buys a flip,

“ Would be downright extravagance." At once his life and cares to lote,

Thus comforted, without a tear, Under his ear he fits the noofe.

He fix'd the noofe beneath his car, An hook in an old wall he spies,

To the next bough the rope he tyd, To that the fatal rope he ties:

And most heroically dy'd. Like Curtius now, at one bold leap

Ned, who behind a spreading tree, He plung'd into the gaping deep;

Beheld this tragi-comedy, Nor did he doubt in hell to find

With hearty curses rung his knell, Dealings more juít, and friends tuore kind.

And bid him thus his last farewel. As he began to twist and sprawl,

“ Was it not, uncle, very kind, The loosca di fiones break from the wall; “ in me, to leave the rope behind?

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« A legacy fo well bestow'd,

“ What's this?” cries Jack. " That box!" said Me “ For all the gratitude I ow’d.

“ Pomatum; what else should it be?” “ Adieu, Sir Tim ; by heaven's decree,

But here 'tis fit my reader knows " Soon may thy brethren follow thee,

'Twas March, when blustering Boreas blows, “ In the same glorious manner swing,

Stern enemy to belles and beaux. “ Without one friend to cut the string;

His lips were fore; rough, pointed, torn, " That hence rapacious knaves may know, The coral bristled like a thorn. * Justice is always sure, though flow.”

Pleas'd with a cure fo à propos, A PADLOCK FOR THE MOUTH :

Nor jealous of so fair a foe,

The healing ointment thick he spread,

And every gaping cranny fed.
JACK DImple was a merry blade,

His chops begia to glow and shoot, Ycung, amorous, witty, and well made;

He strove to speak, but, oh! was mute, Discreet?-Hold, fir-nay, as I live,

Mute as a fim, all he could strain, My friend, you're too inquisitive:

Were some horse gutturals forc'd with pain. Discretion, all men must agree,

He stamps, he raves, he sobs, he fighs, Js a most shining quality,

The tears ran trickling from his eyes; Which like leal-gold makes a great show,

He thought but could not speak a curse, And thinly spread sets off a beau.

His lips were drawn into a purse. But, fir, to put you out of pain,

Madam no longer could contain, Our younker had not half a grain,

Triumphant joy bursts out amain; A leaky blab, rash, faithless, vain.

She laughs, she screams, the house is rais'd, The victories his eyes had won,

Through all the street th'affair is blaz'd : As soon as e'er obtain'd, were known;

In shoals now all the neighbours come, For trophies rear'd, the deed proclaim

Laugh out, and press into the room. Spoils hung on high expose the danie,

Sir Harry Taudry and his bride, And love is facrific'd to fame.

Miss Tulip deck'd in all her pride; Such insolence the sex alarms,

Wise Madam Froth, and widow Babble, The female world is up in arms;

Coquettes and prudes, a mighty rabble. Th' outrageous Bacchanals combine,

So great a concourse ne'er was known And brandish'd tongues in concert join.

At Smithfield, when a monster's shown: Unhappy youth! where wilt thou go

When bears dance jiggs with comely mien, T' escape so terrible a foe?

When witty Punch adorns the scene, Seek shelter on the Libyan fhore,

Or frolic Pug plays Harlequin. Where tigers and where lions roar?

In vain he strives to hide his head, Sleep on the borders of the Nile,

In vain he creeps behind the bed, And trust the wily crocodile ?

Ferreted thence, expos'd to view, 'Tis vain to fhun a woman's hate,

The crowd their clamorous shouts renew : Heavy the blow, and sure as fare.

A thousand taunts, a thousand jeers, Phyllis appear'd among the crowd,

Stark dumb, the passive crearure hears. But not so talkative and loud,

No perjur’d villain nailid on high, With silence and with care fuppreft

And pelted in the pillory, The glowirg vengeance in her breast,

His face besmear’d, his eyes, his chops, Resolv'd, by stratagem and art,

With rotten eggs and turnip-tops, To make the saucy villain (mare.

Was e'er fo maul'd. Phyllis, at lalt, The cunning baggage had prepard, .

To pay him for offences palt, Pimatum, of the tinet lard,

With sneering malice in her face, With frong aftringents mix'd the mess,

Thus spoke, and gave the coup.de-grace: Alom, and vitriol, Q. S.

“ Lari! how demure, and how precise Arsenic, and bole. But I want time

" He looks! filence becomes the wilc. To turn all Quincy into rhyme,

“ Vile tongue : its master to betray, 'Twould make my diction ivo sublime.

“ But now the prisoner must obey, Her grandame this receipe had taught,

“ I've lock'd the door, and keep the key. Which Bendo from Grand Cairo brought, “ Learn hence, what angry woman can, An able ftyptic (as 'tis faid)

“ When wrong'd by that false traitor man; To fodder a crack'd maidenhead.

" Who boasts our favours, foon or late, This ointment being duly made,

“ The treacherous blab shall feel our hate." The jile upon her toilet laid:

The fauntering cully soon appears,
As usual, vows, protests, and swears;

Careless an opera cune he hums,

Wise Socrates had built a farm, Plunder, her patch-box, breaks her combs. Little, convenient, snug, and warm, As up and down the monkey play'd,

Secur'd from rain and wind : Ilis hand upon the box he laid,

A gallant whilperd in his ear, 'The fatal box. Pleas'd with her wilcs,

Shall the great Socrates live here, *i he treacherous I andora smiles,

* To this mcan celi confin'd?".


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